A Lot Going On.....

First I want to Thank everyone that continues to check in to see if I have blogged and for following me on this rough journey called "Life."
Life has been throwing lots of work related and personal changes at me lately.

  Within the last 3 weeks I have found out the doctor I have worked with for 6 1/2 years is transferring and the rest of my team and I are moving to another clinic (A down grade!).  This all starts November 1ST! I am thankful to still have a job, but just still really confused on the company I work for decisions for all this change. Note: I started this blog before I started my new job and my first week went well, I like my new doctor I am working with! It is just going to take some time to adjust.

Our move went well, now we are all settled in at my sister in laws home.  We plan on being here through the winter while we get plans ready and start building our new house! I am such a homebody, It has been an adjustment not having my own place to call "home", but all is well and am thankful to have such a wonderful sister in law who will put up with us:)

Along with the big move and my work situation, why not add a little something else.....

Most people know by now and I apologize to those I didn't get to tell.  I am beyond excited to take everyone on our next journey! We will be adding a little one to our family in May :)  I know my last blog was really in the air about if we were going to try again and when the right time to was.  We feel so blessed that so far everything looks like it is all coming along the way the doctors expect and for the most part I am feeling fine. I will take all the morning sickness and body aches with a smile ;) Please keep us and our little one in your prayers. We want nothing more than another chance and a healthy baby.  I will keep you all posted!

I'm Still Here....

I'm still here!

 I am finding it harder to write lately. I am feeling a little guilty that my blog isn't very uplifting or positive.  I have sat down many times to write and end with the delete button, I just don't want to bother people with all this.  But you are reading this for a reason, right?

  It has been a year and 5 months since Deaken has been gone, I am in no way "Healed" or "moving on."  Life isn't the same and I struggle everyday to be what people would consider normal.  This weekend Deaken should have been 18 months (1 1/2 years).  My mind totally blocked the date out!  I was feeling extra sensitive and depressed Friday not really knowing why. A good friend let me know she was thinking of me Saturday morning (Thank You Angie) then it hit it was the 17Th, my body knew, but my mind didn't want to remind me.  18 months is hitting me hard and very sharp to my heart. 

I want more than anything to physically be a mom.  Right now in our life may not be the right time to plan something like this, with the move coming up, but when is the right time? Are you ever really ready?  Deaken was not planned and we were by no means ready for a baby, but we got ready and we were going to make it work.  I will leave this thought with...." We will see what happens....."

On another note, last weekend September 10TH was the 2ND Annual Alex CHD walk.  I made the trip with 2 great friends (Amanda & Nellie). We made it a mini girls trip and I had a very nice time catching up.

Thank you girls for taking time out of your busy lives for me, the heart families and most of all Deaks! It means more than I can tell you :)


Angel Mommies
David's mommy Jolene
Hazel's mommy Angela
Deaken's mommy Me



Baby Steps....

This morning I am taking some time for myself.  Jeff is golfing and I got a chance to sleep in as late as I wanted without any interruptions!

  Life has been crazy with many things on my mind.  The big move is nearing as we prepare to pack up our life here and build a new place to make memories.  I am having so many mixed feelings, one day I can't wait to get out of here and another I am feeling scared and sad to leave.  We never brought Deaken home, but we imagined having him here and feel him here.  When it comes time to pack up the rest of his room (crib) I think it is best that I'm not here, kind of a out of sight out of mind.

Other than having much anxiety of the upcoming move I have been getting by.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Deaken and feel the heaviness in my throat and on my heart, but my mind just hasn't let me go there. Maybe a good thing, maybe a bad thing.....

  I have been babying myself a bit on the 12TH and 17TH and if it landed on a work day I would take it off. Believe it or not I worked yesterday and plan on working Wednesday.  I woke up with that extra heaviness, but pushed through and made it through the work day.  I know this may sound silly, but I am taking the baby steps I need to take.

Feeling Robbed....

I know I have been absent.  The last 3 weeks have been harder then usual and more of a challenge to get through each day for me.  It may have all  started after receiving Deaken's autopsy report, I have been putting it off and now I know why.  It hurt so much to read.... How could he be so perfect on the outside and be so wrong inside? I feel like a failure.

There are so many things that happen daily that bring back many memories and tears to my eyes.
With the weather getting nice that calls for strollers and babies everywhere! I am so jealous to see moms gathered together, chatting about their children as they play around them.  I want that, I want that with Deaken... I feel so robbed! Everyday is a struggle to be somewhat normal when there is constant reminders of how much I am missing without Deaken here.  Work is not easy, I swear every other patient is either going to be a grandma or pregnant.  I am happy for them and do not judge because I don't know their struggles, but it is very hard for me to, how do I put this? Handle or to just be around the excitement of a baby. 

The other day at Target I heard a familiar voice that caught me off guard, I turned back as if I wasn't in my own body and there she was one of our favorite night nurses that took care of Deaken.  She was talking to her own little boys and I didn't make eye contact.  I really regret not saying anything to her, but feel like in that moment no words would have come just tears.  She would call Deaken her little boyfriend and was happy to have him at night so she could snuggle with him:) He loved to be held close and snuggle, I miss that time with him very much.

I have done a few things that scare me these past three weeks. A First birthday party was not something I could even think of going to, let alone shop in the baby section for a one year old! I did it! my cousin's little girl turned one last week and Jeff and I attended the party.  I knew I would be just fine there, I should try out for an acting role!  Once we got to the car, I fell apart.  Just knowing we didn't get to have a "BIG 1" birthday party for Deaken hurts more than I can explain, Jeff was feeling it too.  Again, I feel so robbed.

Payton & Parker! I Love Their shirts :)

In many ways I feel so robbed, but I also feel very blessed.  Last Saturday we took part in the Heartbeat 5000 5K!  We had a great group of friends and family there to help us keep Deaken's memory alive and raise money for Children's cardiovascular program.  Thank you to all who were there with us and to those who couldn't be, but generous enough to donate.  One of my favorite memories of the morning is my friends little girl saying she's "here for the babies and their broken hearts!" It sure warms my broken heart to know such wonderful people.

J and A

Dealing With Emotions.....

I feel like I have taken 10 steps back in this grief.  I am feeling so lost as to how do I continue on like this?  Without Deaken?  what's next?  I have so many questions I don't know the answers to and worried I will never know. There is nothing specific that triggers these emotions I am going through, it is just all around me, everyday, this is my life...

Many emotions came over me while Jeff and I were away on our honeymoon.  The last time I was in Cayman Deaken was with me, in my belly.  I remember how much more active he was when we were there, as if he knew we were in paradise!  I recall my dad saying "It is going to be so neat to see baby D here playing in the sand by the ocean." It hurts so much to know his grandparents had those hopes and dreams for him too....

 While on our honeymoon why wouldn't there be kids/babies everywhere???  I try so hard not to stare and lose myself but it consumes me, all I can think of is that should be Deaken or Deaken would be about that age.  I just don't know how to get around it.

Although I was dealing with a lot of emotion, depression and grief, Jeff and I did have a very nice time.  We didn't do much, just spent quality time together.  On the 17Th we went on a sunset sail which was a perfect night and made me feel very close to my husband and our baby boy in heaven.  There is nothing more relaxing than the sunset and the ocean;)

What Makes A Mother?

WOW!  I have taken a little break from blogging!  A lot has happened since my last blog.  Jeff and I had our wedding April 30Th, which turned out to be a wonderful day.  We woke up to rain, but made the best of it and after the ceremony the sun was shining! I have no doubts that Deaken didn't have a little something to do with that!  The day was a huge reminder of all the love and support we have from all our family and friends.

On another note, I have found myself feeling a little blue.  I was so busy with the wedding planning around the one year mark that I feel my mind was pre-occupied and maybe I didn't let myself grieve the way I should have.  I am finding myself longing for what I should have, especially on Mother's day.

 I was doing some cleaning up of my emails and found one from my friend Amelia.  She sent it to me shortly after Deaken passed away and wrote to read this when I was ready.  I remember glanceing at it through my tears and not being able to finish it at that point.  I thought it was such a blessing coming across this email again after a year and at this time as I question if I am considered a "mother."   God has a way to get me through when I am at my lowest.  He showed me the light with this poem, with a little help of a good friend :)
Here is the poem that was enclosed in the email......

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?



Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.



I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here



He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear

My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.



I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"



So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come home

they'll be at the gates for you



So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know that you are

A Special Mom

-Author Unknown

A Year Ago.....

A year ago today my induction was scheduled for 9am.  I will never forget that morning and the sense of peace I felt.  I wasn't nervous or scared that morning knowing what was about to come, I was at peace knowing it wasn't in my control.

I think of that today as a year ago replays in my head as if it is on repeat.  I had no control over what happened and I know I did my best.  It is hard to think that way or hear that from others when mentally and physically I am at my lowest, darkest place.  I wonder why? why Deaken? why us? In the end what does that do? It leaves me with no answers and I am right back at the beginning.

Deaken should be here and he should be 1 tomorrow.  Instead of planning a first birthday party, I am planning on ways to remember our little mutty boy.  I am in no way near ready to say I am celebrating him on his birthday or at the point where I want to celebrate.  It is much more like a day of mourning for me.  Jeff and I really don't have a plan for tomorrow.  We both have the day off and just plan on spending quality time together.  We will make a cake in honor  of Deaken which I plan on doing every year and we will send up 26 green balloons for our St Patty's Day Angel. 



March 16, 2010  Waiting for Deaken....

 Having Deaken on a major party day for the Irish and Irish for a day, really does remind me the world continues to go on.  I continue to carry this grief there is no escape.  My spirit and heart feel crushed....

LOVE

I obviously have some time on my hands this morning so I thought I would share a little about Jeff and I since it is Valentine's day ;)

Jeff and I met in 8th grade, I was actually hanging out with a good friend of his when I realized how cute he was!  When you are 14 years old you don't really do the dating thing it's like you hang out with friends and you are labeled boyfriend/girlfriend kinda thing (Silly I know) Jeff asked me to be his girlfriend Sept. 9, 1999 (9/9/99 strange!)  We were together for 11 months and went our separate ways going into high school, new school called for all new friends.  We spent 2 years apart for many reasons, but I think we both knew we cared for each other.  In that time we both dated other people but when we would run into each other that feeling was always there.  Our senior year in high school was when we decided enough of this being apart and we have been inseparable since then. 

Jeff is my rock, he knows me inside and out.  We understand each other for the most part and are still learning.  We have the same goals and are on the same page with what we want out of life.  I have to give all the credit to our beautiful son Deaken.  He was the one that truly taught us about love and life.  Before we found out about Deaken, Jeff and I were not sure about our future together to be honest.  Yes, we love each other very much but at that time before Deaken we were on a different page in life, Deaken brought us on the same page and I am forever grateful.   I love that I can be myself with Jeff and he doesn't judge because he is just as stranger or stranger!  I am looking forward to April 30th and celebrating "us" with friends and family. 

Today Jeff and I Cheers and Celebrate our 11 years of friendship, 8 years together and a little over a year of marriage!  We love our crazy and out of order life! The best part is we have each other on this journey....

Forever Changed....

The past week February 7-14 was Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week.  How fitting to end CHD week on Valentine's Day!  I have some awesome friends and family that have helped to raise awareness with me, Thank You all. I want to shine the spotlight on my cousin Chelsey, she has been such a support to Jeff and I.  This past week all her commission earned from her sales with scentsy will go to The Chloe Duyck Memorial Fund in memory of Deaken!  She is such a thoughtful person and always finding ways to raise money for CHD and donating what she can.  I love you Chelsey very much and so honored to have you as a little cousin :)

I often wonder and worry about Jeff,  Wondering if he is grieving at all? and worry that he holds it in.... I know we all grieve differently and I have to remember some guys are more sensitive than others.  I saw a change in him last weekend that was a sign for me that he is grieving, he remembers and he does have feelings!  He often mentions he wishes we lived closer to friends and feels so left out and distant....His friends are on a total different page or chapter for that matter!  Jeff had planned last Saturday to go hang out with friends, he left around 5pm and was calling by 8pm to come home....He missed his girls (me and Maize)  What??? I am thinking, this is what you are always missing out on and you want to come home after 3 hours???  My only explanation for this is he is feeling how I do when I go hang out. We are forever changed by all that has happened.  We like to be together and "safe" at home.  I know this may sound like we are secluding ourselves, we do hang out with others but larger groups are hard without each other.  I also think that us being "safe" right now is what we have to do to get by. 

One year is approaching fast, I should be saying I can't believe I will have a 1 year old and instead I say or think I should have a 1 year old.  To follow the birth date is another dreaded date, 1 year since one of the worst days in my life.  How will I make it through these next few months?  I know I will, it is going to be hard. What keeps me going is I know I will see Deaken again someday and everyday brings me closer.

A little Overwhelmed!

Tonight sleep isn't coming easily, I just have too much on my mind.  I have often wondered what people meant when I heard them say  "My heart aches for you."  I found out quickly after we lost Deaken that a heart truly does ache for your loss and for others.  My heart is aching very much for a family that lost their 6 month old to a heart defect along with a clotting disorder.  Reading his caringbridge brought back so many memories, not that I have forgot them but just really hits home knowing a piece of what they have ahead of them. 

Life has been very overwhelming lately and I can imagine it will be like this for the next 4 months.  For those that don't know, Jeff and I are planning our "wedding celebration" (that's what I like to call it) for April 30Th. Side note: We were married before Deaken was born but didn't get to have our "Dream Wedding" so plan on it now.   We both are very excited about the celebration but sometimes I wonder why am I adding this extra stress especially this time of year!  It does help a little to keep my mind off of the main milestone that is coming up in March.  To add to our plate as if we don't have enough going on Jeff and I have decided it is time to move closer to our family and buy a house! How am I feeling about this??? I am excited to have a house with a yard and won't look back on this townhouse living! I am feeling a little sad in the sense that this is my house that I built and picked the options for and this is where Jeff and I started our life with the hopes and dreams to bring Deaken home to, we made it our home.  It will be a good "fresh" start at a new house though, I can't imagine that if I am blessed with another baby and bringing the baby home to the room we had planned for Deaken, I just don't know how I would feel about that.  It will be nice to get excited again and put together a nursery, if that makes any sense. 

Life is a struggle.....

Losing Deaken has  been the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with in my short 25 years.  I can't imagine going through anything more life altering.  Losing your child is not something you can compare, each death holds a different sense of loss.

This past week I was in a rather selfish mood. (Please forgive me for my thoughts) I was drawn to the TV after hearing "THE WORST DAYS OF THEIR LIVES AND THE MIRACULOUS TWIST OF FATE." Not knowing the story I thought to myself, Nothing can be worse then losing your baby, now what is someone complaining about.... Come to find out this couple had loss all three of their children in a horrific car crash.
 Yes, Deaken isn't here with us anymore but I could not even begin to imagine in a split second losing all three of my children and the amount of grief that would set in on their hearts, I just cannot compare my story to their's.  The  thing we had in common is losing our babies and now how do we continue on in life.  I didn't get to see the rest of the show and read online that almost a year to the death date of their children they were blesses with triplets! 2 girls and a boy just like the first three children.  If that isn't a twist of fate I don't know what is! I so strongly believe those that suffer will be blessed, maybe not today or tomorrow but for sure in the end. I have Hope.

I know I haven't wrote in awhile, things are very crazy and busy.  I am just trying to keep my balance on life and taking the steps I need to make it through each day, also with a lot of help from friends and family.  Thank you to all those that continue to remember Deaken on his special days.  He would be 10 months this coming Monday, with our aching hearts Jeff and I long for what could of been.  I have said in a previous post I would do anything to take Deaken's pain away and prayed many times to give the pain to me... God answered that prayer and now Deaken has a whole heart in heaven and mine is here broken.  To be honest I wouldn't want it any other way, I can handle this pain even when sometimes I feel I can't.  It would of killed me to see him go through what life had in store for him.  Keeping that thought is what keeps me going......

What a year....

I survived the holiday...Not that it was a surprise or that I had a choice, but I knew I would and knew I would be carried through.  Some special things in remembering Deaken at Christmas was each family's Christmas  tree had a special ornament for Deaks.  My grandma made a special stocking for Deaken with hearts and angel's wings, which was very thoughtful.

I received a very special gift from my cousin Desiree this year.  She had a blanket made with 26 pictures of Deaken (26 for his 26 days).  It is so special to Jeff and I, we feel so blessed to have such caring family members.  With the blanket was a card from the maker of the blanket, I read the card later that night and it brought tears to my eyes reading such sweet and kind words from someone whom I have never met but to know how touched she was by making this blanket and how she will never forget our sweet baby boy.  It just makes me think, what a present in itself to know how much Deaken still is touching peoples Lives...He truly is an angel.

2010 sure was a challenging year and not just for me but for so many I know.  We had a few friends of the family pass away, my good friend's husband passed away before Christmas and having friends that are struggling has really had me put my grieving on the back burner.  There was just so much hurt last year, so much hurt that I have never known. Heaven sure did recieve some amazing angels last year.

Bring on 2011, it has to be up hill from here right?  I ended the year with the stomach flu :(  it was horrible and I can't remember the last time I was so sick!  I wasn't surprised that I would be spending the last day of the year in bed, what luck!  Jeff has been taking care of me bringing food, drink or whatever I needed and I have been taking full advantage of it, what a guy!

New Years Day marks a very special angel's 1st birthday this year.  Hazel Marie Heidelberger is celebrating her 1st birthday in heaven today.  I know I have mentioned my friend Angie (Hazel's mommy) before who I have a special connection with.  I believe we have been connected by the grace of God to help one another in this journey we are on.  I cannot imagine what it is going to be like to be at the one year mark with Deaken and find myself at a loss of words for Angie today, knowing how heavy her heart is.  I ask that whoever is reading please keep the Heidelberger family in their prayers today and the next 14 as they relive all they went through a year ago.