Dealing With Emotions.....

I feel like I have taken 10 steps back in this grief.  I am feeling so lost as to how do I continue on like this?  Without Deaken?  what's next?  I have so many questions I don't know the answers to and worried I will never know. There is nothing specific that triggers these emotions I am going through, it is just all around me, everyday, this is my life...

Many emotions came over me while Jeff and I were away on our honeymoon.  The last time I was in Cayman Deaken was with me, in my belly.  I remember how much more active he was when we were there, as if he knew we were in paradise!  I recall my dad saying "It is going to be so neat to see baby D here playing in the sand by the ocean." It hurts so much to know his grandparents had those hopes and dreams for him too....

 While on our honeymoon why wouldn't there be kids/babies everywhere???  I try so hard not to stare and lose myself but it consumes me, all I can think of is that should be Deaken or Deaken would be about that age.  I just don't know how to get around it.

Although I was dealing with a lot of emotion, depression and grief, Jeff and I did have a very nice time.  We didn't do much, just spent quality time together.  On the 17Th we went on a sunset sail which was a perfect night and made me feel very close to my husband and our baby boy in heaven.  There is nothing more relaxing than the sunset and the ocean;)

What Makes A Mother?

WOW!  I have taken a little break from blogging!  A lot has happened since my last blog.  Jeff and I had our wedding April 30Th, which turned out to be a wonderful day.  We woke up to rain, but made the best of it and after the ceremony the sun was shining! I have no doubts that Deaken didn't have a little something to do with that!  The day was a huge reminder of all the love and support we have from all our family and friends.

On another note, I have found myself feeling a little blue.  I was so busy with the wedding planning around the one year mark that I feel my mind was pre-occupied and maybe I didn't let myself grieve the way I should have.  I am finding myself longing for what I should have, especially on Mother's day.

 I was doing some cleaning up of my emails and found one from my friend Amelia.  She sent it to me shortly after Deaken passed away and wrote to read this when I was ready.  I remember glanceing at it through my tears and not being able to finish it at that point.  I thought it was such a blessing coming across this email again after a year and at this time as I question if I am considered a "mother."   God has a way to get me through when I am at my lowest.  He showed me the light with this poem, with a little help of a good friend :)
Here is the poem that was enclosed in the email......

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?



Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.



I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here



He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear

My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.



I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"



So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come home

they'll be at the gates for you



So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know that you are

A Special Mom

-Author Unknown