Feeling Robbed....

I know I have been absent.  The last 3 weeks have been harder then usual and more of a challenge to get through each day for me.  It may have all  started after receiving Deaken's autopsy report, I have been putting it off and now I know why.  It hurt so much to read.... How could he be so perfect on the outside and be so wrong inside? I feel like a failure.

There are so many things that happen daily that bring back many memories and tears to my eyes.
With the weather getting nice that calls for strollers and babies everywhere! I am so jealous to see moms gathered together, chatting about their children as they play around them.  I want that, I want that with Deaken... I feel so robbed! Everyday is a struggle to be somewhat normal when there is constant reminders of how much I am missing without Deaken here.  Work is not easy, I swear every other patient is either going to be a grandma or pregnant.  I am happy for them and do not judge because I don't know their struggles, but it is very hard for me to, how do I put this? Handle or to just be around the excitement of a baby. 

The other day at Target I heard a familiar voice that caught me off guard, I turned back as if I wasn't in my own body and there she was one of our favorite night nurses that took care of Deaken.  She was talking to her own little boys and I didn't make eye contact.  I really regret not saying anything to her, but feel like in that moment no words would have come just tears.  She would call Deaken her little boyfriend and was happy to have him at night so she could snuggle with him:) He loved to be held close and snuggle, I miss that time with him very much.

I have done a few things that scare me these past three weeks. A First birthday party was not something I could even think of going to, let alone shop in the baby section for a one year old! I did it! my cousin's little girl turned one last week and Jeff and I attended the party.  I knew I would be just fine there, I should try out for an acting role!  Once we got to the car, I fell apart.  Just knowing we didn't get to have a "BIG 1" birthday party for Deaken hurts more than I can explain, Jeff was feeling it too.  Again, I feel so robbed.

Payton & Parker! I Love Their shirts :)

In many ways I feel so robbed, but I also feel very blessed.  Last Saturday we took part in the Heartbeat 5000 5K!  We had a great group of friends and family there to help us keep Deaken's memory alive and raise money for Children's cardiovascular program.  Thank you to all who were there with us and to those who couldn't be, but generous enough to donate.  One of my favorite memories of the morning is my friends little girl saying she's "here for the babies and their broken hearts!" It sure warms my broken heart to know such wonderful people.

J and A