Bah Hum Bug!

When I don't write for some time it usually means I have so much going on in my head I can't focus enough to sit down and type it out.  I am still alive, but barley breathing...That is exactly how I feel.  The heaviness and anxiety set in yesterday morning, not that it always isn't lingering,  but I sure do know when it is going to be more of a struggle. I knew I had to make it through work Thursday so I pushed it aside as best as I could.  It all came apart last night into this morning, I have so much anger....

I really would love just a low key Christmas this year, but that isn't happening.   As I have mentioned before I usually am gone over Christmas with my family and that is our Christmas on a  white sand beach, what more could I ask for?  This year is so different and I am not good with change.  We will be celebrating with both families on Christmas eve and Christmas day.... I have anxiety just thinking about it.  It isn't that I don't want to be with family, Grief alone is exhausting but just thinking two days full of interacting, needing to be places at this time is just going to be too much.

 So why do I do it?  I have to, I know I would be letting people down if we weren't there and I do it for Jeff.  Jeff and I are grieving so different he likes to keep busy, he is all about Christmas and the shopping.  I can't ruin that for him, but  I am just not in it this year.  Nothing will take this pain away and most importantly nothing will bring Deaken back.  So I just keep going with the flow to make others happy.  I feel guilty for being like this and feel like the Grinch behind this computer, but really nothing will change the fact that a piece of me is missing, I don't want to pretend I am  happy when I am drowning inside.

Deaken would be 9 months today.  I remember the day like it was yesterday, waiting for him to arrive with so much Hope.  I never thought he would be taken away from us, I really thought he was going to make it. Why oh Why did this happen? We may never know, all I know know is I wouldn't be making through without having faith and knowing that God is carrying me through on this journey...That is what I cling to.

In Need....

I may have spoke too soon about feeling a little weight lifted, it was nice while it lasted.... Tonight my good friends grief and anxiety are back....  The heaviness, knots in my stomach and racing mind have consumed me, I can't sleep. 

When I got home from work Jeff asked what happened to make you feel this way? This just shows how different we are grieving...Nothing in particular has to happen to change my mood or feelings, I am just beyond empty inside.  I am having quite a bit of anxiety for this coming Monday.  The U is having a memorial service for those that lost a child from Jan.-April of this year,  I am not sure what to expect and not even sure if I will be able to walk in the hospital. Jeff and I don't know if this will be healing to attend or just set us back.

I believe God sends people in our lives in times of struggle and he knew I was struggling yesterday (Thurs.)  About a month ago a  patient was in and  I shared with her that Deaken had passed, she had instant tears and I knew that look to well....She also had a baby boy that passed, it has been 13 years but the pain for her is just like yesterday.   She came in last night for an appointment and brought me a very thoughtful gift, she also really wants to get together with me and hear about Deaken and wants to help guide me through this.  It has been 13 years since her son passed suddenly and she said it took her a long time to find some peace in her heart.  I do believe God has sent her to help me and I do look forward to getting together with her and sharing Deaken's story.

I know I wouldn't make it through without all the prayers.  I do have a few requests for those that could really use extra prayers:

Since Deaken I have kind of been wrapped myself in the heart community, keeping up with other heart babies and angel mommies.  This time last year there were quite a few heart babies born and unfortunately many that have earned their wings.  My heart is going out to all of those families, not only are they grieving the loss of their baby, but also it is the holiday season which makes things more of a challenge to make it through each day.  Please lift those families up in prayer...

An urgent prayer request for Jeff's Grampy, who was admitted into the hospital last night for a blood clot in his foot.  Jeff's Grampy has been through so much and always has a positive attitude.  Please pray for the doctors to have the knowledge to make the right choices and for the comfort and strength for Grampy.

With faith anything is possible!

A new feeling....

I thought I always write when things are not going  so well for me.  So I decided to let you all know  I feel like I have had a decent past four days!  I have had a rather strange last four days....I literally feel like my mind has put up a block, I feel as if I can't think about what has happened or what I have been going through, my flashbacks haven't crept up on me either.  Sounds weird I am sure, it is so  hard to explain.  I have had some good luck these past four days which may have something to do with it.  Maybe instead of dreading on all the bad luck we have had, I am rather focusing on the positives I have been given.  I am not going to lie it feels good to have a little relief lifted.  I know having a few days feeling this way though I may be heading for a crash.  I only say this because it seems when I do keep myself busy and don't give myself time to grieve is when I get hit with the heaviness.  I will handle that when it comes but for now I am continuing to take it "One day at a time!"