A Year Ago.....

A year ago today my induction was scheduled for 9am.  I will never forget that morning and the sense of peace I felt.  I wasn't nervous or scared that morning knowing what was about to come, I was at peace knowing it wasn't in my control.

I think of that today as a year ago replays in my head as if it is on repeat.  I had no control over what happened and I know I did my best.  It is hard to think that way or hear that from others when mentally and physically I am at my lowest, darkest place.  I wonder why? why Deaken? why us? In the end what does that do? It leaves me with no answers and I am right back at the beginning.

Deaken should be here and he should be 1 tomorrow.  Instead of planning a first birthday party, I am planning on ways to remember our little mutty boy.  I am in no way near ready to say I am celebrating him on his birthday or at the point where I want to celebrate.  It is much more like a day of mourning for me.  Jeff and I really don't have a plan for tomorrow.  We both have the day off and just plan on spending quality time together.  We will make a cake in honor  of Deaken which I plan on doing every year and we will send up 26 green balloons for our St Patty's Day Angel. 



March 16, 2010  Waiting for Deaken....

 Having Deaken on a major party day for the Irish and Irish for a day, really does remind me the world continues to go on.  I continue to carry this grief there is no escape.  My spirit and heart feel crushed....