Tonight sleep isn't coming easily, I just have too much on my mind. I have often wondered what people meant when I heard them say "My heart aches for you." I found out quickly after we lost Deaken that a heart truly does ache for your loss and for others. My heart is aching very much for a family that lost their 6 month old to a heart defect along with a clotting disorder. Reading his caringbridge brought back so many memories, not that I have forgot them but just really hits home knowing a piece of what they have ahead of them.
Life has been very overwhelming lately and I can imagine it will be like this for the next 4 months. For those that don't know, Jeff and I are planning our "wedding celebration" (that's what I like to call it) for April 30Th. Side note: We were married before Deaken was born but didn't get to have our "Dream Wedding" so plan on it now. We both are very excited about the celebration but sometimes I wonder why am I adding this extra stress especially this time of year! It does help a little to keep my mind off of the main milestone that is coming up in March. To add to our plate as if we don't have enough going on Jeff and I have decided it is time to move closer to our family and buy a house! How am I feeling about this??? I am excited to have a house with a yard and won't look back on this townhouse living! I am feeling a little sad in the sense that this is my house that I built and picked the options for and this is where Jeff and I started our life with the hopes and dreams to bring Deaken home to, we made it our home. It will be a good "fresh" start at a new house though, I can't imagine that if I am blessed with another baby and bringing the baby home to the room we had planned for Deaken, I just don't know how I would feel about that. It will be nice to get excited again and put together a nursery, if that makes any sense.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Life is a struggle.....
Losing Deaken has been the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with in my short 25 years. I can't imagine going through anything more life altering. Losing your child is not something you can compare, each death holds a different sense of loss.
This past week I was in a rather selfish mood. (Please forgive me for my thoughts) I was drawn to the TV after hearing "THE WORST DAYS OF THEIR LIVES AND THE MIRACULOUS TWIST OF FATE." Not knowing the story I thought to myself, Nothing can be worse then losing your baby, now what is someone complaining about.... Come to find out this couple had loss all three of their children in a horrific car crash.
Yes, Deaken isn't here with us anymore but I could not even begin to imagine in a split second losing all three of my children and the amount of grief that would set in on their hearts, I just cannot compare my story to their's. The thing we had in common is losing our babies and now how do we continue on in life. I didn't get to see the rest of the show and read online that almost a year to the death date of their children they were blesses with triplets! 2 girls and a boy just like the first three children. If that isn't a twist of fate I don't know what is! I so strongly believe those that suffer will be blessed, maybe not today or tomorrow but for sure in the end. I have Hope.
I know I haven't wrote in awhile, things are very crazy and busy. I am just trying to keep my balance on life and taking the steps I need to make it through each day, also with a lot of help from friends and family. Thank you to all those that continue to remember Deaken on his special days. He would be 10 months this coming Monday, with our aching hearts Jeff and I long for what could of been. I have said in a previous post I would do anything to take Deaken's pain away and prayed many times to give the pain to me... God answered that prayer and now Deaken has a whole heart in heaven and mine is here broken. To be honest I wouldn't want it any other way, I can handle this pain even when sometimes I feel I can't. It would of killed me to see him go through what life had in store for him. Keeping that thought is what keeps me going......
This past week I was in a rather selfish mood. (Please forgive me for my thoughts) I was drawn to the TV after hearing "THE WORST DAYS OF THEIR LIVES AND THE MIRACULOUS TWIST OF FATE." Not knowing the story I thought to myself, Nothing can be worse then losing your baby, now what is someone complaining about.... Come to find out this couple had loss all three of their children in a horrific car crash.
Yes, Deaken isn't here with us anymore but I could not even begin to imagine in a split second losing all three of my children and the amount of grief that would set in on their hearts, I just cannot compare my story to their's. The thing we had in common is losing our babies and now how do we continue on in life. I didn't get to see the rest of the show and read online that almost a year to the death date of their children they were blesses with triplets! 2 girls and a boy just like the first three children. If that isn't a twist of fate I don't know what is! I so strongly believe those that suffer will be blessed, maybe not today or tomorrow but for sure in the end. I have Hope.
I know I haven't wrote in awhile, things are very crazy and busy. I am just trying to keep my balance on life and taking the steps I need to make it through each day, also with a lot of help from friends and family. Thank you to all those that continue to remember Deaken on his special days. He would be 10 months this coming Monday, with our aching hearts Jeff and I long for what could of been. I have said in a previous post I would do anything to take Deaken's pain away and prayed many times to give the pain to me... God answered that prayer and now Deaken has a whole heart in heaven and mine is here broken. To be honest I wouldn't want it any other way, I can handle this pain even when sometimes I feel I can't. It would of killed me to see him go through what life had in store for him. Keeping that thought is what keeps me going......
Saturday, January 1, 2011
What a year....
I survived the holiday...Not that it was a surprise or that I had a choice, but I knew I would and knew I would be carried through. Some special things in remembering Deaken at Christmas was each family's Christmas tree had a special ornament for Deaks. My grandma made a special stocking for Deaken with hearts and angel's wings, which was very thoughtful.
I received a very special gift from my cousin Desiree this year. She had a blanket made with 26 pictures of Deaken (26 for his 26 days). It is so special to Jeff and I, we feel so blessed to have such caring family members. With the blanket was a card from the maker of the blanket, I read the card later that night and it brought tears to my eyes reading such sweet and kind words from someone whom I have never met but to know how touched she was by making this blanket and how she will never forget our sweet baby boy. It just makes me think, what a present in itself to know how much Deaken still is touching peoples Lives...He truly is an angel.
2010 sure was a challenging year and not just for me but for so many I know. We had a few friends of the family pass away, my good friend's husband passed away before Christmas and having friends that are struggling has really had me put my grieving on the back burner. There was just so much hurt last year, so much hurt that I have never known. Heaven sure did recieve some amazing angels last year.
Bring on 2011, it has to be up hill from here right? I ended the year with the stomach flu :( it was horrible and I can't remember the last time I was so sick! I wasn't surprised that I would be spending the last day of the year in bed, what luck! Jeff has been taking care of me bringing food, drink or whatever I needed and I have been taking full advantage of it, what a guy!
New Years Day marks a very special angel's 1st birthday this year. Hazel Marie Heidelberger is celebrating her 1st birthday in heaven today. I know I have mentioned my friend Angie (Hazel's mommy) before who I have a special connection with. I believe we have been connected by the grace of God to help one another in this journey we are on. I cannot imagine what it is going to be like to be at the one year mark with Deaken and find myself at a loss of words for Angie today, knowing how heavy her heart is. I ask that whoever is reading please keep the Heidelberger family in their prayers today and the next 14 as they relive all they went through a year ago.
I received a very special gift from my cousin Desiree this year. She had a blanket made with 26 pictures of Deaken (26 for his 26 days). It is so special to Jeff and I, we feel so blessed to have such caring family members. With the blanket was a card from the maker of the blanket, I read the card later that night and it brought tears to my eyes reading such sweet and kind words from someone whom I have never met but to know how touched she was by making this blanket and how she will never forget our sweet baby boy. It just makes me think, what a present in itself to know how much Deaken still is touching peoples Lives...He truly is an angel.
2010 sure was a challenging year and not just for me but for so many I know. We had a few friends of the family pass away, my good friend's husband passed away before Christmas and having friends that are struggling has really had me put my grieving on the back burner. There was just so much hurt last year, so much hurt that I have never known. Heaven sure did recieve some amazing angels last year.
Bring on 2011, it has to be up hill from here right? I ended the year with the stomach flu :( it was horrible and I can't remember the last time I was so sick! I wasn't surprised that I would be spending the last day of the year in bed, what luck! Jeff has been taking care of me bringing food, drink or whatever I needed and I have been taking full advantage of it, what a guy!
New Years Day marks a very special angel's 1st birthday this year. Hazel Marie Heidelberger is celebrating her 1st birthday in heaven today. I know I have mentioned my friend Angie (Hazel's mommy) before who I have a special connection with. I believe we have been connected by the grace of God to help one another in this journey we are on. I cannot imagine what it is going to be like to be at the one year mark with Deaken and find myself at a loss of words for Angie today, knowing how heavy her heart is. I ask that whoever is reading please keep the Heidelberger family in their prayers today and the next 14 as they relive all they went through a year ago.
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