Today is a day of Thanks.... I have been dreading the holiday and would much rather stay home with my grief., I am trying to think of the things that are going right in my life vs. the negative things. I am thankful for my health and for the wonderful people in my life.
A very large black cloud arrived yesterday over me that I am struggling to get away from. The tears seem never ending, my body is so heavy along with my heart and I am feeling not the best about myself. Since Deaken has passed I have had the worst memory, but seem to remember every little detail of last year. I am wondering if a day will come when I can think of all these little things and not feel so much pain. I do have days when I can talk about Deaken and his journey, but other days when I it hurts too much.
The holidays are reminders for anyone who has loss a family member or friend. For those that have lost someone who had been around the grief is of all the memories with that person. With my grief it is of what we are missing out on. The hopes and the dreams for our family and for Deaken.
A friend stated it very well... She is thankful for something most take for granted, She is thankful for her two healthy girls. Children are a gift from God. With all the things that can go wrong while a baby is being made, it is a miracle that people have healthy babies.
Instead of spending the day grieving by myself. Jeff and I will be with our families, who are grieving Deaken also and want to be there for us. I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and hope you all find the simple things in life to please you. Without Deaken life isn't fair , but I do have so much to be thankful for.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
8 Months old........
It is so crazy the way the mind works, today I woke up with no feeling at all. No ache in my heart, lump in my throat and no stomach knots...I just felt nothing. I took the day off work and got a massage this morning and then I get home and that nothing feeling turned into more than I can take pain. I can't believe Deaken would be 8 months old today, I would give anything to know what it is like to have an 8 month old.
I am starting to feel like I am in my own little grieving world lately, time does move on and people too. I just can't see past this pain and just wish I could skip these next few months. Christmas is right around the corner and I am dreading it ( Go ahead call me the Grinch!) My family for the past 8 years now have spent Christmas in Grand Cayman (I know poor me!). Jeff would spend the week before Christmas down there and back home to spend with his family, so Jeff and I haven't spent actual Christmas together which I am happy to do this year. I think just being home this year because we planned on Deaken being here is just a harsh reminder that he is really gone.
Happy 8 months old baby boy....Hope you are flying high with your angel friends. Love you and miss you ever day.
I am starting to feel like I am in my own little grieving world lately, time does move on and people too. I just can't see past this pain and just wish I could skip these next few months. Christmas is right around the corner and I am dreading it ( Go ahead call me the Grinch!) My family for the past 8 years now have spent Christmas in Grand Cayman (I know poor me!). Jeff would spend the week before Christmas down there and back home to spend with his family, so Jeff and I haven't spent actual Christmas together which I am happy to do this year. I think just being home this year because we planned on Deaken being here is just a harsh reminder that he is really gone.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Keeping the Faith
The past month our weekends have been full and busy. It is nice to have plans but sometimes I just need some time to breathe, sleep in or just be!
Jeff and I have been looking for a church to have a ceremony and one that we really connect with the pastor. I think we found one! We attended last Sunday which was also All Saints Day. They had a very nice service and Jeff and I each lit a candle for Deaken. It was so welcoming and even though my eyes were not dry the whole time, my heart was so warm with love from God. After the service Jeff and I sat down with the pastor who is a wonderful lady, we talked about Deaken and the emotions that we are dealing with since he has passed. It was good to hear from her that all I am feeling and going through is normal.
Grief is a roller coaster ride, unfortunately I am on it. I will have good days and I will have bad days.
I am going through a lot of twist and turns and most downhill on my roller coaster ride right now. With the holidays near my stomach is just in knots, It is so hard to go through them when last year I was pregnant and I all I can think about is all the excitement with our families and how we would have a little one with us next year. Yesterday the 13Th marked one year since we found out about Deaken's heart. I remember the day outside it was so dark and cold, just a weird day. It was also Friday the 13Th! My mom was with me at that appointment, that was the first time we heard about CHD. Little did we know how much CHD would be a part of our life or how much it would effect us.
Each month on Deaken's dates they seem to sneak up on me. I may be at a point where I am going slowly up on my roller coaster then out of nowhere it drops. It has happened every month around the 12Th and the 17Th why am I surprised? A friend brought he twins into work last week and they are such a blessing because she had some trouble having a baby and miscarried her first baby girl. I truly am so happy for her, but I couldn't spend time to catch up with her and be around the babies which kills me. I don't want anyone to feel they can't bring their babies around because I am there. I hate that I can't be there for those friends that have babies and are healthy and happy, they should be able to show their little ones off. I just don't get how I can truly be there show them I am happy for them when I physically can't be around them. So on top of my grieving I am dealing with so much guilt for being a bad friend ( I know poor me).
Even though I have my ups and downs, all in all I think I hold myself pretty well. Sure there are days I don't want to get out of bed or just want to stay home, but that is normal. What kind of person would I be if I wasn't going through all these emotions, I just loss my son 7 months ago. There is no time limit on grief, I know that with some time and adjusting to our new life it may be easier down the road to cope. As for right now I am doing what is best for me and taking care of myself and Jeff to get us through to each day. Grief is a roller coaster ride and as my dad says life is a roller coaster ride, it makes us stronger. There is bad things in life that will be followed with good things. ( I am waiting!)
Those that are reading, Thank You for joining me on this ride.
"I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness." -Unknown
Jeff and I have been looking for a church to have a ceremony and one that we really connect with the pastor. I think we found one! We attended last Sunday which was also All Saints Day. They had a very nice service and Jeff and I each lit a candle for Deaken. It was so welcoming and even though my eyes were not dry the whole time, my heart was so warm with love from God. After the service Jeff and I sat down with the pastor who is a wonderful lady, we talked about Deaken and the emotions that we are dealing with since he has passed. It was good to hear from her that all I am feeling and going through is normal.
Grief is a roller coaster ride, unfortunately I am on it. I will have good days and I will have bad days.
I am going through a lot of twist and turns and most downhill on my roller coaster ride right now. With the holidays near my stomach is just in knots, It is so hard to go through them when last year I was pregnant and I all I can think about is all the excitement with our families and how we would have a little one with us next year. Yesterday the 13Th marked one year since we found out about Deaken's heart. I remember the day outside it was so dark and cold, just a weird day. It was also Friday the 13Th! My mom was with me at that appointment, that was the first time we heard about CHD. Little did we know how much CHD would be a part of our life or how much it would effect us.
Each month on Deaken's dates they seem to sneak up on me. I may be at a point where I am going slowly up on my roller coaster then out of nowhere it drops. It has happened every month around the 12Th and the 17Th why am I surprised? A friend brought he twins into work last week and they are such a blessing because she had some trouble having a baby and miscarried her first baby girl. I truly am so happy for her, but I couldn't spend time to catch up with her and be around the babies which kills me. I don't want anyone to feel they can't bring their babies around because I am there. I hate that I can't be there for those friends that have babies and are healthy and happy, they should be able to show their little ones off. I just don't get how I can truly be there show them I am happy for them when I physically can't be around them. So on top of my grieving I am dealing with so much guilt for being a bad friend ( I know poor me).
Even though I have my ups and downs, all in all I think I hold myself pretty well. Sure there are days I don't want to get out of bed or just want to stay home, but that is normal. What kind of person would I be if I wasn't going through all these emotions, I just loss my son 7 months ago. There is no time limit on grief, I know that with some time and adjusting to our new life it may be easier down the road to cope. As for right now I am doing what is best for me and taking care of myself and Jeff to get us through to each day. Grief is a roller coaster ride and as my dad says life is a roller coaster ride, it makes us stronger. There is bad things in life that will be followed with good things. ( I am waiting!)
Those that are reading, Thank You for joining me on this ride.
"I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness." -Unknown
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Little Poem....
My Mom's a Liar....
Ask My Mom How She Is...
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!
I wanted to share this. I thought it went well with my last blog.
Ask My Mom How She Is...
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!
I wanted to share this. I thought it went well with my last blog.
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