Strong outside, Weak inside

"Being strong is knowing when it's ok to be weak."

I love this saying, I hear all the time how strong I am, How strong Jeff and I are. I don't feel strong at all, but do know to get through what we have been dealt this year has made me strong if not stronger. I still believe that I will not be dealt with more then I can handle. My dad was in a bad motorcycle accident about 4 weeks ago, He broke his back, neck and split his head open. We figure he was laying at the scene of the accident about 2 hours before help arrived. His doctor said he is very lucky to be alive and not paralyzed. It is a miricle he didn't die that night. I believe Deaken and God were there that night with my dad, they knew our family couldn't handle another loss. Since Deaken passed I have a stronger relationship with God, He is carrying me through all of this, He is the one in control.

I get it that Deaken couldn't be the little boy we all wanted, I do! That doesn't make it any easier for me and I do keep myself together thinking that. There are times though when I need to cry, I hold it in so much just not to make things awkward. I feel I can only let my emotions out when I am alone, even away from Maize our dog.

This weekend I had a nice weekend. I was dreading it because Jeff would be gone and I have only been alone once at night since Deaken passed. I did just fine! With the help of two good friends that kept me company on Saturday and planned a low key night. It was so nice because I really felt like they wanted to know what was going on in my life now and just showed that they care so much for Jeff and I. I feel like the night was all about me! which sometimes a person needs. It is healing for me to talk about Deaken and talk about the other heart babies I know. Thank you so much Amanda and Nellie for Saturday, I knew if I needed a cry you both would have been right there with me=)

Everyday...WAIT!....Every minute in a day is a different emotion I feel about losing Deaken. Some I am at peace, but others my heart is acheing. I can imagine it will always be like that. I know that I can be strong but also that it is ok for me to be weak.

Letter from Mommy.....

Dear Deaken,

Today would be a day to celebrate if you were here with daddy and me. You would be 5 months old! I wish instead of blogging about how much my heart aches for you, That I was giving family and friends an update about all the things you might be doing. Like how much you enjoy going for a walk on a sunny day or how you love tubby time.

Before you were born daddy would often ask me at any given moment "What would we be doing with the baby right now"? I would look at him, smile and tell him about the little things babies do and some of the things you may enjoy. It hurts so bad thinking I will never know what you would of enjoyed. Daddy and I were so excited to have you home and be a family. It breaks my heart we will never get to do the things we had planned and that I will never get to hold you while here on earth.

I am not mad at you for leaving, I knew your little heart just couldn't take it anymore. It killed me to have to see you like that and there was nothing I could do to protect you. I want you with me more then anything, but feel it would have been selfish of me to keep you here for myself. God has plans for you with him, and a plan for me here. While I am here I am keeping your memory alive. I am very excited about your name being on the Hope 4 Tiny Hearts car, which races this Friday! And looking forward to finishing your story to share with others in a book that will be out next summer. It is all to help raise awareness for CHD. Mommy wants to do what I can to help others so they can have their heart babies longer and take them home to show them how life really is intended.

Deaken you are so special, so many people are still thinking about you everyday. You are leaving your little (or should I say BIG!) footprints on people's hearts. I love you so very much and carry you in my heart, Always and forever.

Love, Mommy