Whole Hearts

I want to share this picture with all of you, I know it is a horrible one of me but I just gave birth a few hours ago! This picture was the first time I really got to meet Deaken and touch him. It is a very special picture to me.

I wish that I had something uplifting to blog about, but all I have right now is so much anger, hurt and confusion.

I am angry with the way things have turned out, angry we have all these bills to pay for and yet no baby here with us. Hurt that other parents are going through the loss of their child, and for confusion where do I start??? I am so confused why this had to happen. I get it that Deaken's heart just couldn't take it anymore, I get it that he had a long road ahead of him, I get it that his quality of life was questionable and I get it that he is in heaven with a whole heart and in zero pain, these things "I get" but it doesn't make any of this easier for me or for Jeff.

In general I am just confused about my life... Why I am still here and how do I continue to breathe and make it through each day. How does God expect those that lose their babies to continue to breathe??? Some days I have large black clouds over me and I just want to give up. I am feeling so lost without the missing piece of my heart Deaken took with him. When I am called home to heaven will my heart be whole again? sometimes the pain is so strong I feel I can't breathe.

It is so strange to have all these dark moments and then at times I have no emotion, no feeling, no interest in anything at all. My whole body is just numb. Maybe this is just something your body goes through when it just can't handle it anymore. I have all this pain and just don't know how to deal with it and really I don't want to deal with it.

I am looking forward to having a 4 day weekend and just having time to sort through my emotions. Time is all I need, it won't cure me or make it all better, but with time I am hoping to find some peace or some comfort knowing I will see Deaken again some day and I will also have my whole heart.

Remembering....

Every month I dread the week of the 12Th and the 17Th, it seems to get harder with time. It is just not right I should have my 4 month old baby boy. I am so thankful I have so much support from my friends and family, without them this journey would be a lot harder. As time goes on I love to randomly hear that others still think of Deaken often and remember how special he is.

This past weekend I started writing Deaken's story for a book that will be out next year to help raise awareness for CHD. Although I play my days with Deaken over and over in my head I am finding it hard to type it out. Thinking about when I was pregnant seems to really bother me...I miss it so much. I miss my belly, I miss feeling him kick, I even miss my swollen ankles and would give anything for the back pain of being pregnant. Deaken was safe in my tummy and I could protect him, it was so hard to see him go through what he did in his short life.

Along with all this going on in my head I have to be able to function at work, which wasn't easy this week. We had CPR renewal class on Tuesday which went fine until we got to the baby part and needed to practice. All I could see in my head was the night we got the call and running into Deaken's room and the nurses doing CPR on him. A horrible image no parent wants to see done on their baby. The CPR instructor said they continue to do CPR on a patient until the family gets there, more for "show." I wish they stopped they new he was already gone and there wasn't anymore to be done.

My favorite thing people say to me is "I don't know how you do it" or "How do you do it, I couldn't do it." I really take some offense to it, I'm not ok with going on without Deaken, One day just turns into another and I continue to breath, that's all I can do. Most days I feel like I am going through the motions of life.

Continue to go on...

The holiday weekend was yet another reminder that someone is missing, not that everyday isn't a reminder but is much more apparent at family gatherings. The morning of the fourth I had some anxiety about the get together but knew time with family you can't get back. People want to see us and I need to remember life does go on.... as hard as it is to admit it, I have to go on... We have to go on. It was nice to get out, even though I felt like I had a black cloud over me I did find myself having fun, smiling and feeling somewhat at peace.

This week I have had work off. Jeff and I have kept busy with looking at reception sites and looking into getting a different vehicle. It has been so nice to spend quality time with my "husband" and do normal things again. I am so blessed to have Jeff on this journey with me.

I have been thinking how short Deaken's life was and how short our lives are. I know that someday I will be with Deaken again, some days I wish it was sooner than later. While here on earth and being what I have been through, I believe everyday is a blessing and to not take it for granted. I know someday it will be easier to do everyday tasks and I will find a way to cope. There are good days and bad days and I can imagine it may be like this forever. I want nothing more than to hold Deaken again, but until then I am grateful for the people and things I do have in my life.

one day at a time...

Tonight my mind is everywhere... I woke up this morning thinking of Angie and Ryan (Hazel's mom and dad), Today Hazel should be 6 months old. I ask myself daily, How does God expect those that lose their babies to continue with every day life? We have constant reminders that our babies are not here with us. Birth and angel dates of each month, seeing other mothers with their baby, and my favorite the weight I struggle to lose.

Yesterday I knew I was due for a breakdown. As Jeff and I were driving home we saw a young mother pushing a stroller with a baby boy, the stroller was like ours. It is crazy how something as simple as a stroller can make you feel so much pain and anger. Deaken should be here....he should be in his stroller and go for walks with Maize and I.

There has to be some meaning for all this to happen. I am not sure what it means and who knows if I ever will. I was chosen to be Deaken's mommy and to be his voice for CHD. I am doing my best to be a advocate for CHD and I know if this never happened to me I would have nothing to do with this and think that wouldn't happen to me or anyone I love. I wish this didn't have to happen to me to open my eyes. It hurts to know that I am not alone, there are so many parents dealing with the loss of their children and not just from CHD.

I feel like I can't move forward in life. I continue to live in the 26 days that Deaken was with us, replaying his 26 days over and over. I am still just making it one day at a time.....