I made this in memory of Deaken and for CHD awareness. Grab a tissue before watching.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Getting a grip
It has been a hard week and I am still trying to get a hold of my emotions. I am not liking the person I am right now and trying my best to find the new me.
This weekend was hard on Father's day. Even though Jeff tries to stay strong for me and tends to hold his feelings in, I could tell he was hurting. He had so many hopes and dreams for his son and to see them just vanish the way they did is just not right.
I have decided to cut back a day at work for awhile. It has been hard to go to work and act normal all day and then the drive home is when I fall apart and have to go back to reality. I had a patient today ask about Deaken, she didn't know he was gone so I told her and after we talked it felt good to talk about him and to say yes I had a baby, I had him for 26 days.
This weekend I also feel I made some progress in my grief. I decided to clean out the freezer...I have been hanging on to all of Deaken's milk and came to terms that I didn't need to keep it around anymore as a constant reminder. When talking to my friend Angie (Hazel's mommy) she said something that made sense to me and helped me to look at "The Room" differently. She said they never got to bring Hazel home so the room that was intended for her is just the baby room..... Same with Deaken we never got to bring him home so it really isn't his room. I have kept all Deaken's things separate anything he used is his and all the rest is for the baby to be, I have begun storing some things for now in hopes that someday I will get another chance at being the mommy I had imagined on being to Deaken
On a another note I am looking forward to this Saturday. We are doing Heartbeat 5000 walk/run in memory of Deaken and I am so thankful for those that are joining Jeff and I, not only for the support but also for a great cause to raise awareness and money for CHD.
This weekend was hard on Father's day. Even though Jeff tries to stay strong for me and tends to hold his feelings in, I could tell he was hurting. He had so many hopes and dreams for his son and to see them just vanish the way they did is just not right.
I have decided to cut back a day at work for awhile. It has been hard to go to work and act normal all day and then the drive home is when I fall apart and have to go back to reality. I had a patient today ask about Deaken, she didn't know he was gone so I told her and after we talked it felt good to talk about him and to say yes I had a baby, I had him for 26 days.
This weekend I also feel I made some progress in my grief. I decided to clean out the freezer...I have been hanging on to all of Deaken's milk and came to terms that I didn't need to keep it around anymore as a constant reminder. When talking to my friend Angie (Hazel's mommy) she said something that made sense to me and helped me to look at "The Room" differently. She said they never got to bring Hazel home so the room that was intended for her is just the baby room..... Same with Deaken we never got to bring him home so it really isn't his room. I have kept all Deaken's things separate anything he used is his and all the rest is for the baby to be, I have begun storing some things for now in hopes that someday I will get another chance at being the mommy I had imagined on being to Deaken
On a another note I am looking forward to this Saturday. We are doing Heartbeat 5000 walk/run in memory of Deaken and I am so thankful for those that are joining Jeff and I, not only for the support but also for a great cause to raise awareness and money for CHD.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Two months gone by....
Yesterday marked 2 months without Deaken. I slept in until noon, which Jeff made me feel guilty about but I decided I am not going to feel guilty. 1) I needed the sleep and 2)I wanted to just get the day over with. The 17th and the 12th of each month will never be the same to me. The 17th will always be a reminder that Deaken should be this old and the 12th marks how long he has been gone. 2 months??? It just doesn't feel right. I feel like it has been an eternity since he left us and other days it seems just like yesterday I was smothering him with kisses.
Some things I need to get out and feel I have been struggling with is accepting my new way of "getting by" in other words my life. I say "getting by" because that is exactly how I feel, I am doing what needs to get done and then I am spent. My emotions are up and down and change within a matter of minutes. Some days I feel as though I am just going through the motions.
During this grieving process I am finding out more and more who is really there for me. I know it is hard to know what to say to me and when the phone rings I most likely won't or I just can't answer. It is hard to explain and don't expect anyone to understand unless you have gone through a loss like this. Please don't give up on me or on us..... just knowing you think about Jeff, Deaken and me is all I want to know. When we do talk don't be afraid to mention Deaken's name, because that is what I long to hear.
I have been put in a few situations since Deaken passed that I am not sure how to deal with and that I am not ready to deal with. As a grieving mother who's baby has just passed away 2 months ago I don't feel comfortable around other babies right now or talking about them, especially little boys. This doesn't mean I don't care and I know that I can't avoid all babies forever, but please know this is a hard situation for me to be in. I find myself unable to be in public without seeing a little boy and my heart aches and my arms feel so empty without my little Deaken here in them. As a mother I would hope you can respect that.
I met with another heart mom who lost her little Hazel in January to HLHS. Although we all have different ways of grieving I have found her and I have a lot of the same emotions in our grieving process. It was so nice to sit down with someone who is also grieving and be able to mention Deaken's name without feeling like I made it a uncomfortable conversation. It is so nice to know my feelings are what others are feeling and that I am not being unrealistic. I look forward to talking more with her as we travel this unknown path of grief.
I end this blog tonight with a reminder to those reading.... This is a grieving mothers blog, unfortunately I am that grieving mother... Nothing I write is directed toward anyone. It is just to help those understand what I am going through and it does help me to write this out. Thank you for understanding.
Some things I need to get out and feel I have been struggling with is accepting my new way of "getting by" in other words my life. I say "getting by" because that is exactly how I feel, I am doing what needs to get done and then I am spent. My emotions are up and down and change within a matter of minutes. Some days I feel as though I am just going through the motions.
During this grieving process I am finding out more and more who is really there for me. I know it is hard to know what to say to me and when the phone rings I most likely won't or I just can't answer. It is hard to explain and don't expect anyone to understand unless you have gone through a loss like this. Please don't give up on me or on us..... just knowing you think about Jeff, Deaken and me is all I want to know. When we do talk don't be afraid to mention Deaken's name, because that is what I long to hear.
I have been put in a few situations since Deaken passed that I am not sure how to deal with and that I am not ready to deal with. As a grieving mother who's baby has just passed away 2 months ago I don't feel comfortable around other babies right now or talking about them, especially little boys. This doesn't mean I don't care and I know that I can't avoid all babies forever, but please know this is a hard situation for me to be in. I find myself unable to be in public without seeing a little boy and my heart aches and my arms feel so empty without my little Deaken here in them. As a mother I would hope you can respect that.
I met with another heart mom who lost her little Hazel in January to HLHS. Although we all have different ways of grieving I have found her and I have a lot of the same emotions in our grieving process. It was so nice to sit down with someone who is also grieving and be able to mention Deaken's name without feeling like I made it a uncomfortable conversation. It is so nice to know my feelings are what others are feeling and that I am not being unrealistic. I look forward to talking more with her as we travel this unknown path of grief.
I end this blog tonight with a reminder to those reading.... This is a grieving mothers blog, unfortunately I am that grieving mother... Nothing I write is directed toward anyone. It is just to help those understand what I am going through and it does help me to write this out. Thank you for understanding.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Little blessings....
My last two blogs have been painful to write and I know hard for family and friends to read. I don't want every post to be sad or hard to read, but I have been having a hard week....for many reasons.
Today has been another one of those days. Maybe it was the rainy weather that brought me down, I don't know. I had plans to have a much needed girls night which physically I felt I couldn't do, so cancelled. I know my friends were excited to hang out and get me out, I wish I could. But maybe tonight I just needed my alone time just me (well Maize too!). I haven't had just me time to really grieve and I did a good job of it tonight. I went through the wonderful messages people wrote on the caring bridge, smelled Deaken's clothes that he wore (his smell is fading), went through all the wonderful gifts he got at my showers, Imagined him wearing each lil outfit and messed around with his stroller (If you didn't know Jeff and I were so proud and excited of our stroller purchase) then I allowed myself to let it out in the middle of his room holding what is left of him.
I titled this blog as "little blessings" because as I think back there were so many little blessings with Deaken. From the very beginning... I found out I was pregnant very early (4 weeks) and took care of myself. We feel fortunate to know about Deaken's heart before he was born. Some would disagree, but I didn't change anything if anything it made my pregnancy even more special (not to mention more foot rubs!) we also had time to prepare for what could happen and what our future would hold. Because of his heart I got to see him every week on the ultrasound and got to share the experience with family. My pregnancy went well and delivery was awesome! It took 30 hours and I pushed 3 hours straight! but it just seemed so easy. My recovery was great too, I was discharged not even 24 hours after giving birth! When I think back on all this I think it was all in God's plan....he made it easy on me so I could be there for Deaken, he knew I wouldn't have much time as I would of liked with him.
As for after Deaken was born he was the blessing and many little blessing came with him.... Although his heart was worse then they expected he had a lot working in his favor. He was bigger then expected, feisty!, drinking his bottles, breathing on his own and looked healthy (not blue like they said). It was a blessing they waited to do surgery until he was 19 days old. We got 2 1/2 weeks to treat him somewhat like a "normal" baby. We got to hold, feed him, change diapers, bathe and get to know him. After surgery it was rough. He wasn't doing as well as we all expected. On his last day though he gave us a good day, I will never forget it. We watched the TWINS opener together as a family and he was alert and looking at Jeff and I all day.
It is hard to say this.... It was a blessing God took Deaken when he did. We had him for just enough time to make memories and to keep them in our hearts. I say this because we all know he had a long uncertain road ahead. Yes, I would of done whatever to keep him here with us, but would that be fair to him? I know it is for the best, it doesn't make it easier... but I can find some peace knowing he isn't feeling any pain now. God was answering my prayers when I asked to take Deaken's pain away and give it to me.... Not the way I wanted but God works in mysteries ways.
With all the sorrow I have I still believe and have faith that everything happens for a reason. Deaken's short visit on earth has meaning, it is my goal to do what I can to keep his memory alive and raise awareness for CHD. I know there isn't a cure but if we can work on getting the funds for research maybe in the future heart parents will get the chance to bring their baby home and do the things they imagined doing with their little one.
I end this blog feeling a little bit more at peace tonight. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but who does?
"there's no night in Heaven, so we all arrive on the same day." I'll see you later today, my sweet baby boy. I'll see you later today." -unknown
Today has been another one of those days. Maybe it was the rainy weather that brought me down, I don't know. I had plans to have a much needed girls night which physically I felt I couldn't do, so cancelled. I know my friends were excited to hang out and get me out, I wish I could. But maybe tonight I just needed my alone time just me (well Maize too!). I haven't had just me time to really grieve and I did a good job of it tonight. I went through the wonderful messages people wrote on the caring bridge, smelled Deaken's clothes that he wore (his smell is fading), went through all the wonderful gifts he got at my showers, Imagined him wearing each lil outfit and messed around with his stroller (If you didn't know Jeff and I were so proud and excited of our stroller purchase) then I allowed myself to let it out in the middle of his room holding what is left of him.
I titled this blog as "little blessings" because as I think back there were so many little blessings with Deaken. From the very beginning... I found out I was pregnant very early (4 weeks) and took care of myself. We feel fortunate to know about Deaken's heart before he was born. Some would disagree, but I didn't change anything if anything it made my pregnancy even more special (not to mention more foot rubs!) we also had time to prepare for what could happen and what our future would hold. Because of his heart I got to see him every week on the ultrasound and got to share the experience with family. My pregnancy went well and delivery was awesome! It took 30 hours and I pushed 3 hours straight! but it just seemed so easy. My recovery was great too, I was discharged not even 24 hours after giving birth! When I think back on all this I think it was all in God's plan....he made it easy on me so I could be there for Deaken, he knew I wouldn't have much time as I would of liked with him.
As for after Deaken was born he was the blessing and many little blessing came with him.... Although his heart was worse then they expected he had a lot working in his favor. He was bigger then expected, feisty!, drinking his bottles, breathing on his own and looked healthy (not blue like they said). It was a blessing they waited to do surgery until he was 19 days old. We got 2 1/2 weeks to treat him somewhat like a "normal" baby. We got to hold, feed him, change diapers, bathe and get to know him. After surgery it was rough. He wasn't doing as well as we all expected. On his last day though he gave us a good day, I will never forget it. We watched the TWINS opener together as a family and he was alert and looking at Jeff and I all day.
It is hard to say this.... It was a blessing God took Deaken when he did. We had him for just enough time to make memories and to keep them in our hearts. I say this because we all know he had a long uncertain road ahead. Yes, I would of done whatever to keep him here with us, but would that be fair to him? I know it is for the best, it doesn't make it easier... but I can find some peace knowing he isn't feeling any pain now. God was answering my prayers when I asked to take Deaken's pain away and give it to me.... Not the way I wanted but God works in mysteries ways.
With all the sorrow I have I still believe and have faith that everything happens for a reason. Deaken's short visit on earth has meaning, it is my goal to do what I can to keep his memory alive and raise awareness for CHD. I know there isn't a cure but if we can work on getting the funds for research maybe in the future heart parents will get the chance to bring their baby home and do the things they imagined doing with their little one.
I end this blog feeling a little bit more at peace tonight. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but who does?
"there's no night in Heaven, so we all arrive on the same day." I'll see you later today, my sweet baby boy. I'll see you later today." -unknown
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Everyday is a struggle to feel somewhat "normal". I don't want to be selfish in my grief, but I am feeling so sad for myself. I am having a hard time with why did this happen to me? not that I would ever wish for one to lose their baby. I thought I did everyhting right during my pregnancy and what did Deaken do to deserve this? He had so much life to live. He didn't know that what he had to go through wasn't the way life was intended. It is hard for Jeff and I to think he never saw the sunlight, had a breath of fresh air and most of all never got to come home. As I was driving home today I thought to myself that bringing your baby home has to be the next best thing next to meeting your baby. I may never know......
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am so frusterated, frusterated with those that think things will be ok or with time things will be "normal" again. I am Deaken's mom, I carried him for 39 weeks and my life will never be "normal" again. I am missing a piece of my life that cannot be replaced.
Along with feeling frusterated, I am feeling like a failure. I feel like I failed at being a mom, I couldn't save or protect Deaken. I feel I am failing at my friendships, I just don't have the strength to have a normal conversation with people because as of right now my life revolves around my saddness for Deaken. And with my family, I find myself being so angry with them for no reason.
I am feeling so alone.....I know I have a great support system, but unless you have lost your baby I don't think you really know how it feels, and would never want you to expierence this pain. I feel alone in a way that most people my age are going out having fun or are starting families of their own, which I am so happy for them but also find it hard because I want what they have. I would love to go out and not feel guilty for forgetting reality for a couple hours or to go home to my baby and just hold him.
I regret so many things of my time with Deaken. I wish I had taken more videos and pictures, stayed at his bedside longer and had skin on skin time. You just don't think it could happen to you and I regret being so blind to the fact that he may not come home and do the things we planned.
This blog wasn't intended to offend anyone and I hope nobody feels that way.
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am so frusterated, frusterated with those that think things will be ok or with time things will be "normal" again. I am Deaken's mom, I carried him for 39 weeks and my life will never be "normal" again. I am missing a piece of my life that cannot be replaced.
Along with feeling frusterated, I am feeling like a failure. I feel like I failed at being a mom, I couldn't save or protect Deaken. I feel I am failing at my friendships, I just don't have the strength to have a normal conversation with people because as of right now my life revolves around my saddness for Deaken. And with my family, I find myself being so angry with them for no reason.
I am feeling so alone.....I know I have a great support system, but unless you have lost your baby I don't think you really know how it feels, and would never want you to expierence this pain. I feel alone in a way that most people my age are going out having fun or are starting families of their own, which I am so happy for them but also find it hard because I want what they have. I would love to go out and not feel guilty for forgetting reality for a couple hours or to go home to my baby and just hold him.
I regret so many things of my time with Deaken. I wish I had taken more videos and pictures, stayed at his bedside longer and had skin on skin time. You just don't think it could happen to you and I regret being so blind to the fact that he may not come home and do the things we planned.
This blog wasn't intended to offend anyone and I hope nobody feels that way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
