Baby Steps....

This morning I am taking some time for myself.  Jeff is golfing and I got a chance to sleep in as late as I wanted without any interruptions!

  Life has been crazy with many things on my mind.  The big move is nearing as we prepare to pack up our life here and build a new place to make memories.  I am having so many mixed feelings, one day I can't wait to get out of here and another I am feeling scared and sad to leave.  We never brought Deaken home, but we imagined having him here and feel him here.  When it comes time to pack up the rest of his room (crib) I think it is best that I'm not here, kind of a out of sight out of mind.

Other than having much anxiety of the upcoming move I have been getting by.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Deaken and feel the heaviness in my throat and on my heart, but my mind just hasn't let me go there. Maybe a good thing, maybe a bad thing.....

  I have been babying myself a bit on the 12TH and 17TH and if it landed on a work day I would take it off. Believe it or not I worked yesterday and plan on working Wednesday.  I woke up with that extra heaviness, but pushed through and made it through the work day.  I know this may sound silly, but I am taking the baby steps I need to take.

Feeling Robbed....

I know I have been absent.  The last 3 weeks have been harder then usual and more of a challenge to get through each day for me.  It may have all  started after receiving Deaken's autopsy report, I have been putting it off and now I know why.  It hurt so much to read.... How could he be so perfect on the outside and be so wrong inside? I feel like a failure.

There are so many things that happen daily that bring back many memories and tears to my eyes.
With the weather getting nice that calls for strollers and babies everywhere! I am so jealous to see moms gathered together, chatting about their children as they play around them.  I want that, I want that with Deaken... I feel so robbed! Everyday is a struggle to be somewhat normal when there is constant reminders of how much I am missing without Deaken here.  Work is not easy, I swear every other patient is either going to be a grandma or pregnant.  I am happy for them and do not judge because I don't know their struggles, but it is very hard for me to, how do I put this? Handle or to just be around the excitement of a baby. 

The other day at Target I heard a familiar voice that caught me off guard, I turned back as if I wasn't in my own body and there she was one of our favorite night nurses that took care of Deaken.  She was talking to her own little boys and I didn't make eye contact.  I really regret not saying anything to her, but feel like in that moment no words would have come just tears.  She would call Deaken her little boyfriend and was happy to have him at night so she could snuggle with him:) He loved to be held close and snuggle, I miss that time with him very much.

I have done a few things that scare me these past three weeks. A First birthday party was not something I could even think of going to, let alone shop in the baby section for a one year old! I did it! my cousin's little girl turned one last week and Jeff and I attended the party.  I knew I would be just fine there, I should try out for an acting role!  Once we got to the car, I fell apart.  Just knowing we didn't get to have a "BIG 1" birthday party for Deaken hurts more than I can explain, Jeff was feeling it too.  Again, I feel so robbed.

Payton & Parker! I Love Their shirts :)

In many ways I feel so robbed, but I also feel very blessed.  Last Saturday we took part in the Heartbeat 5000 5K!  We had a great group of friends and family there to help us keep Deaken's memory alive and raise money for Children's cardiovascular program.  Thank you to all who were there with us and to those who couldn't be, but generous enough to donate.  One of my favorite memories of the morning is my friends little girl saying she's "here for the babies and their broken hearts!" It sure warms my broken heart to know such wonderful people.

J and A

Dealing With Emotions.....

I feel like I have taken 10 steps back in this grief.  I am feeling so lost as to how do I continue on like this?  Without Deaken?  what's next?  I have so many questions I don't know the answers to and worried I will never know. There is nothing specific that triggers these emotions I am going through, it is just all around me, everyday, this is my life...

Many emotions came over me while Jeff and I were away on our honeymoon.  The last time I was in Cayman Deaken was with me, in my belly.  I remember how much more active he was when we were there, as if he knew we were in paradise!  I recall my dad saying "It is going to be so neat to see baby D here playing in the sand by the ocean." It hurts so much to know his grandparents had those hopes and dreams for him too....

 While on our honeymoon why wouldn't there be kids/babies everywhere???  I try so hard not to stare and lose myself but it consumes me, all I can think of is that should be Deaken or Deaken would be about that age.  I just don't know how to get around it.

Although I was dealing with a lot of emotion, depression and grief, Jeff and I did have a very nice time.  We didn't do much, just spent quality time together.  On the 17Th we went on a sunset sail which was a perfect night and made me feel very close to my husband and our baby boy in heaven.  There is nothing more relaxing than the sunset and the ocean;)

What Makes A Mother?

WOW!  I have taken a little break from blogging!  A lot has happened since my last blog.  Jeff and I had our wedding April 30Th, which turned out to be a wonderful day.  We woke up to rain, but made the best of it and after the ceremony the sun was shining! I have no doubts that Deaken didn't have a little something to do with that!  The day was a huge reminder of all the love and support we have from all our family and friends.

On another note, I have found myself feeling a little blue.  I was so busy with the wedding planning around the one year mark that I feel my mind was pre-occupied and maybe I didn't let myself grieve the way I should have.  I am finding myself longing for what I should have, especially on Mother's day.

 I was doing some cleaning up of my emails and found one from my friend Amelia.  She sent it to me shortly after Deaken passed away and wrote to read this when I was ready.  I remember glanceing at it through my tears and not being able to finish it at that point.  I thought it was such a blessing coming across this email again after a year and at this time as I question if I am considered a "mother."   God has a way to get me through when I am at my lowest.  He showed me the light with this poem, with a little help of a good friend :)
Here is the poem that was enclosed in the email......

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?



Yes, you can he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.



I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here



He took a breath

and cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear

My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My Mommy set me free.



I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I am here"



So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come home

they'll be at the gates for you



So now you see

What makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know that you are

A Special Mom

-Author Unknown

A Year Ago.....

A year ago today my induction was scheduled for 9am.  I will never forget that morning and the sense of peace I felt.  I wasn't nervous or scared that morning knowing what was about to come, I was at peace knowing it wasn't in my control.

I think of that today as a year ago replays in my head as if it is on repeat.  I had no control over what happened and I know I did my best.  It is hard to think that way or hear that from others when mentally and physically I am at my lowest, darkest place.  I wonder why? why Deaken? why us? In the end what does that do? It leaves me with no answers and I am right back at the beginning.

Deaken should be here and he should be 1 tomorrow.  Instead of planning a first birthday party, I am planning on ways to remember our little mutty boy.  I am in no way near ready to say I am celebrating him on his birthday or at the point where I want to celebrate.  It is much more like a day of mourning for me.  Jeff and I really don't have a plan for tomorrow.  We both have the day off and just plan on spending quality time together.  We will make a cake in honor  of Deaken which I plan on doing every year and we will send up 26 green balloons for our St Patty's Day Angel. 



March 16, 2010  Waiting for Deaken....

 Having Deaken on a major party day for the Irish and Irish for a day, really does remind me the world continues to go on.  I continue to carry this grief there is no escape.  My spirit and heart feel crushed....

LOVE

I obviously have some time on my hands this morning so I thought I would share a little about Jeff and I since it is Valentine's day ;)

Jeff and I met in 8th grade, I was actually hanging out with a good friend of his when I realized how cute he was!  When you are 14 years old you don't really do the dating thing it's like you hang out with friends and you are labeled boyfriend/girlfriend kinda thing (Silly I know) Jeff asked me to be his girlfriend Sept. 9, 1999 (9/9/99 strange!)  We were together for 11 months and went our separate ways going into high school, new school called for all new friends.  We spent 2 years apart for many reasons, but I think we both knew we cared for each other.  In that time we both dated other people but when we would run into each other that feeling was always there.  Our senior year in high school was when we decided enough of this being apart and we have been inseparable since then. 

Jeff is my rock, he knows me inside and out.  We understand each other for the most part and are still learning.  We have the same goals and are on the same page with what we want out of life.  I have to give all the credit to our beautiful son Deaken.  He was the one that truly taught us about love and life.  Before we found out about Deaken, Jeff and I were not sure about our future together to be honest.  Yes, we love each other very much but at that time before Deaken we were on a different page in life, Deaken brought us on the same page and I am forever grateful.   I love that I can be myself with Jeff and he doesn't judge because he is just as stranger or stranger!  I am looking forward to April 30th and celebrating "us" with friends and family. 

Today Jeff and I Cheers and Celebrate our 11 years of friendship, 8 years together and a little over a year of marriage!  We love our crazy and out of order life! The best part is we have each other on this journey....

Forever Changed....

The past week February 7-14 was Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week.  How fitting to end CHD week on Valentine's Day!  I have some awesome friends and family that have helped to raise awareness with me, Thank You all. I want to shine the spotlight on my cousin Chelsey, she has been such a support to Jeff and I.  This past week all her commission earned from her sales with scentsy will go to The Chloe Duyck Memorial Fund in memory of Deaken!  She is such a thoughtful person and always finding ways to raise money for CHD and donating what she can.  I love you Chelsey very much and so honored to have you as a little cousin :)

I often wonder and worry about Jeff,  Wondering if he is grieving at all? and worry that he holds it in.... I know we all grieve differently and I have to remember some guys are more sensitive than others.  I saw a change in him last weekend that was a sign for me that he is grieving, he remembers and he does have feelings!  He often mentions he wishes we lived closer to friends and feels so left out and distant....His friends are on a total different page or chapter for that matter!  Jeff had planned last Saturday to go hang out with friends, he left around 5pm and was calling by 8pm to come home....He missed his girls (me and Maize)  What??? I am thinking, this is what you are always missing out on and you want to come home after 3 hours???  My only explanation for this is he is feeling how I do when I go hang out. We are forever changed by all that has happened.  We like to be together and "safe" at home.  I know this may sound like we are secluding ourselves, we do hang out with others but larger groups are hard without each other.  I also think that us being "safe" right now is what we have to do to get by. 

One year is approaching fast, I should be saying I can't believe I will have a 1 year old and instead I say or think I should have a 1 year old.  To follow the birth date is another dreaded date, 1 year since one of the worst days in my life.  How will I make it through these next few months?  I know I will, it is going to be hard. What keeps me going is I know I will see Deaken again someday and everyday brings me closer.