When I don't write for some time it usually means I have so much going on in my head I can't focus enough to sit down and type it out. I am still alive, but barley breathing...That is exactly how I feel. The heaviness and anxiety set in yesterday morning, not that it always isn't lingering, but I sure do know when it is going to be more of a struggle. I knew I had to make it through work Thursday so I pushed it aside as best as I could. It all came apart last night into this morning, I have so much anger....
I really would love just a low key Christmas this year, but that isn't happening. As I have mentioned before I usually am gone over Christmas with my family and that is our Christmas on a white sand beach, what more could I ask for? This year is so different and I am not good with change. We will be celebrating with both families on Christmas eve and Christmas day.... I have anxiety just thinking about it. It isn't that I don't want to be with family, Grief alone is exhausting but just thinking two days full of interacting, needing to be places at this time is just going to be too much.
So why do I do it? I have to, I know I would be letting people down if we weren't there and I do it for Jeff. Jeff and I are grieving so different he likes to keep busy, he is all about Christmas and the shopping. I can't ruin that for him, but I am just not in it this year. Nothing will take this pain away and most importantly nothing will bring Deaken back. So I just keep going with the flow to make others happy. I feel guilty for being like this and feel like the Grinch behind this computer, but really nothing will change the fact that a piece of me is missing, I don't want to pretend I am happy when I am drowning inside.
Deaken would be 9 months today. I remember the day like it was yesterday, waiting for him to arrive with so much Hope. I never thought he would be taken away from us, I really thought he was going to make it. Why oh Why did this happen? We may never know, all I know know is I wouldn't be making through without having faith and knowing that God is carrying me through on this journey...That is what I cling to.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
In Need....
I may have spoke too soon about feeling a little weight lifted, it was nice while it lasted.... Tonight my good friends grief and anxiety are back.... The heaviness, knots in my stomach and racing mind have consumed me, I can't sleep.
When I got home from work Jeff asked what happened to make you feel this way? This just shows how different we are grieving...Nothing in particular has to happen to change my mood or feelings, I am just beyond empty inside. I am having quite a bit of anxiety for this coming Monday. The U is having a memorial service for those that lost a child from Jan.-April of this year, I am not sure what to expect and not even sure if I will be able to walk in the hospital. Jeff and I don't know if this will be healing to attend or just set us back.
I believe God sends people in our lives in times of struggle and he knew I was struggling yesterday (Thurs.) About a month ago a patient was in and I shared with her that Deaken had passed, she had instant tears and I knew that look to well....She also had a baby boy that passed, it has been 13 years but the pain for her is just like yesterday. She came in last night for an appointment and brought me a very thoughtful gift, she also really wants to get together with me and hear about Deaken and wants to help guide me through this. It has been 13 years since her son passed suddenly and she said it took her a long time to find some peace in her heart. I do believe God has sent her to help me and I do look forward to getting together with her and sharing Deaken's story.
I know I wouldn't make it through without all the prayers. I do have a few requests for those that could really use extra prayers:
Since Deaken I have kind of been wrapped myself in the heart community, keeping up with other heart babies and angel mommies. This time last year there were quite a few heart babies born and unfortunately many that have earned their wings. My heart is going out to all of those families, not only are they grieving the loss of their baby, but also it is the holiday season which makes things more of a challenge to make it through each day. Please lift those families up in prayer...
An urgent prayer request for Jeff's Grampy, who was admitted into the hospital last night for a blood clot in his foot. Jeff's Grampy has been through so much and always has a positive attitude. Please pray for the doctors to have the knowledge to make the right choices and for the comfort and strength for Grampy.
With faith anything is possible!
When I got home from work Jeff asked what happened to make you feel this way? This just shows how different we are grieving...Nothing in particular has to happen to change my mood or feelings, I am just beyond empty inside. I am having quite a bit of anxiety for this coming Monday. The U is having a memorial service for those that lost a child from Jan.-April of this year, I am not sure what to expect and not even sure if I will be able to walk in the hospital. Jeff and I don't know if this will be healing to attend or just set us back.
I believe God sends people in our lives in times of struggle and he knew I was struggling yesterday (Thurs.) About a month ago a patient was in and I shared with her that Deaken had passed, she had instant tears and I knew that look to well....She also had a baby boy that passed, it has been 13 years but the pain for her is just like yesterday. She came in last night for an appointment and brought me a very thoughtful gift, she also really wants to get together with me and hear about Deaken and wants to help guide me through this. It has been 13 years since her son passed suddenly and she said it took her a long time to find some peace in her heart. I do believe God has sent her to help me and I do look forward to getting together with her and sharing Deaken's story.
I know I wouldn't make it through without all the prayers. I do have a few requests for those that could really use extra prayers:
Since Deaken I have kind of been wrapped myself in the heart community, keeping up with other heart babies and angel mommies. This time last year there were quite a few heart babies born and unfortunately many that have earned their wings. My heart is going out to all of those families, not only are they grieving the loss of their baby, but also it is the holiday season which makes things more of a challenge to make it through each day. Please lift those families up in prayer...
An urgent prayer request for Jeff's Grampy, who was admitted into the hospital last night for a blood clot in his foot. Jeff's Grampy has been through so much and always has a positive attitude. Please pray for the doctors to have the knowledge to make the right choices and for the comfort and strength for Grampy.
With faith anything is possible!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A new feeling....
I thought I always write when things are not going so well for me. So I decided to let you all know I feel like I have had a decent past four days! I have had a rather strange last four days....I literally feel like my mind has put up a block, I feel as if I can't think about what has happened or what I have been going through, my flashbacks haven't crept up on me either. Sounds weird I am sure, it is so hard to explain. I have had some good luck these past four days which may have something to do with it. Maybe instead of dreading on all the bad luck we have had, I am rather focusing on the positives I have been given. I am not going to lie it feels good to have a little relief lifted. I know having a few days feeling this way though I may be heading for a crash. I only say this because it seems when I do keep myself busy and don't give myself time to grieve is when I get hit with the heaviness. I will handle that when it comes but for now I am continuing to take it "One day at a time!"
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving.....
Today is a day of Thanks.... I have been dreading the holiday and would much rather stay home with my grief., I am trying to think of the things that are going right in my life vs. the negative things. I am thankful for my health and for the wonderful people in my life.
A very large black cloud arrived yesterday over me that I am struggling to get away from. The tears seem never ending, my body is so heavy along with my heart and I am feeling not the best about myself. Since Deaken has passed I have had the worst memory, but seem to remember every little detail of last year. I am wondering if a day will come when I can think of all these little things and not feel so much pain. I do have days when I can talk about Deaken and his journey, but other days when I it hurts too much.
The holidays are reminders for anyone who has loss a family member or friend. For those that have lost someone who had been around the grief is of all the memories with that person. With my grief it is of what we are missing out on. The hopes and the dreams for our family and for Deaken.
A friend stated it very well... She is thankful for something most take for granted, She is thankful for her two healthy girls. Children are a gift from God. With all the things that can go wrong while a baby is being made, it is a miracle that people have healthy babies.
Instead of spending the day grieving by myself. Jeff and I will be with our families, who are grieving Deaken also and want to be there for us. I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and hope you all find the simple things in life to please you. Without Deaken life isn't fair , but I do have so much to be thankful for.
A very large black cloud arrived yesterday over me that I am struggling to get away from. The tears seem never ending, my body is so heavy along with my heart and I am feeling not the best about myself. Since Deaken has passed I have had the worst memory, but seem to remember every little detail of last year. I am wondering if a day will come when I can think of all these little things and not feel so much pain. I do have days when I can talk about Deaken and his journey, but other days when I it hurts too much.
The holidays are reminders for anyone who has loss a family member or friend. For those that have lost someone who had been around the grief is of all the memories with that person. With my grief it is of what we are missing out on. The hopes and the dreams for our family and for Deaken.
A friend stated it very well... She is thankful for something most take for granted, She is thankful for her two healthy girls. Children are a gift from God. With all the things that can go wrong while a baby is being made, it is a miracle that people have healthy babies.
Instead of spending the day grieving by myself. Jeff and I will be with our families, who are grieving Deaken also and want to be there for us. I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and hope you all find the simple things in life to please you. Without Deaken life isn't fair , but I do have so much to be thankful for.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
8 Months old........
It is so crazy the way the mind works, today I woke up with no feeling at all. No ache in my heart, lump in my throat and no stomach knots...I just felt nothing. I took the day off work and got a massage this morning and then I get home and that nothing feeling turned into more than I can take pain. I can't believe Deaken would be 8 months old today, I would give anything to know what it is like to have an 8 month old.
I am starting to feel like I am in my own little grieving world lately, time does move on and people too. I just can't see past this pain and just wish I could skip these next few months. Christmas is right around the corner and I am dreading it ( Go ahead call me the Grinch!) My family for the past 8 years now have spent Christmas in Grand Cayman (I know poor me!). Jeff would spend the week before Christmas down there and back home to spend with his family, so Jeff and I haven't spent actual Christmas together which I am happy to do this year. I think just being home this year because we planned on Deaken being here is just a harsh reminder that he is really gone.
Happy 8 months old baby boy....Hope you are flying high with your angel friends. Love you and miss you ever day.
I am starting to feel like I am in my own little grieving world lately, time does move on and people too. I just can't see past this pain and just wish I could skip these next few months. Christmas is right around the corner and I am dreading it ( Go ahead call me the Grinch!) My family for the past 8 years now have spent Christmas in Grand Cayman (I know poor me!). Jeff would spend the week before Christmas down there and back home to spend with his family, so Jeff and I haven't spent actual Christmas together which I am happy to do this year. I think just being home this year because we planned on Deaken being here is just a harsh reminder that he is really gone.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Keeping the Faith
The past month our weekends have been full and busy. It is nice to have plans but sometimes I just need some time to breathe, sleep in or just be!
Jeff and I have been looking for a church to have a ceremony and one that we really connect with the pastor. I think we found one! We attended last Sunday which was also All Saints Day. They had a very nice service and Jeff and I each lit a candle for Deaken. It was so welcoming and even though my eyes were not dry the whole time, my heart was so warm with love from God. After the service Jeff and I sat down with the pastor who is a wonderful lady, we talked about Deaken and the emotions that we are dealing with since he has passed. It was good to hear from her that all I am feeling and going through is normal.
Grief is a roller coaster ride, unfortunately I am on it. I will have good days and I will have bad days.
I am going through a lot of twist and turns and most downhill on my roller coaster ride right now. With the holidays near my stomach is just in knots, It is so hard to go through them when last year I was pregnant and I all I can think about is all the excitement with our families and how we would have a little one with us next year. Yesterday the 13Th marked one year since we found out about Deaken's heart. I remember the day outside it was so dark and cold, just a weird day. It was also Friday the 13Th! My mom was with me at that appointment, that was the first time we heard about CHD. Little did we know how much CHD would be a part of our life or how much it would effect us.
Each month on Deaken's dates they seem to sneak up on me. I may be at a point where I am going slowly up on my roller coaster then out of nowhere it drops. It has happened every month around the 12Th and the 17Th why am I surprised? A friend brought he twins into work last week and they are such a blessing because she had some trouble having a baby and miscarried her first baby girl. I truly am so happy for her, but I couldn't spend time to catch up with her and be around the babies which kills me. I don't want anyone to feel they can't bring their babies around because I am there. I hate that I can't be there for those friends that have babies and are healthy and happy, they should be able to show their little ones off. I just don't get how I can truly be there show them I am happy for them when I physically can't be around them. So on top of my grieving I am dealing with so much guilt for being a bad friend ( I know poor me).
Even though I have my ups and downs, all in all I think I hold myself pretty well. Sure there are days I don't want to get out of bed or just want to stay home, but that is normal. What kind of person would I be if I wasn't going through all these emotions, I just loss my son 7 months ago. There is no time limit on grief, I know that with some time and adjusting to our new life it may be easier down the road to cope. As for right now I am doing what is best for me and taking care of myself and Jeff to get us through to each day. Grief is a roller coaster ride and as my dad says life is a roller coaster ride, it makes us stronger. There is bad things in life that will be followed with good things. ( I am waiting!)
Those that are reading, Thank You for joining me on this ride.
"I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness." -Unknown
Jeff and I have been looking for a church to have a ceremony and one that we really connect with the pastor. I think we found one! We attended last Sunday which was also All Saints Day. They had a very nice service and Jeff and I each lit a candle for Deaken. It was so welcoming and even though my eyes were not dry the whole time, my heart was so warm with love from God. After the service Jeff and I sat down with the pastor who is a wonderful lady, we talked about Deaken and the emotions that we are dealing with since he has passed. It was good to hear from her that all I am feeling and going through is normal.
Grief is a roller coaster ride, unfortunately I am on it. I will have good days and I will have bad days.
I am going through a lot of twist and turns and most downhill on my roller coaster ride right now. With the holidays near my stomach is just in knots, It is so hard to go through them when last year I was pregnant and I all I can think about is all the excitement with our families and how we would have a little one with us next year. Yesterday the 13Th marked one year since we found out about Deaken's heart. I remember the day outside it was so dark and cold, just a weird day. It was also Friday the 13Th! My mom was with me at that appointment, that was the first time we heard about CHD. Little did we know how much CHD would be a part of our life or how much it would effect us.
Each month on Deaken's dates they seem to sneak up on me. I may be at a point where I am going slowly up on my roller coaster then out of nowhere it drops. It has happened every month around the 12Th and the 17Th why am I surprised? A friend brought he twins into work last week and they are such a blessing because she had some trouble having a baby and miscarried her first baby girl. I truly am so happy for her, but I couldn't spend time to catch up with her and be around the babies which kills me. I don't want anyone to feel they can't bring their babies around because I am there. I hate that I can't be there for those friends that have babies and are healthy and happy, they should be able to show their little ones off. I just don't get how I can truly be there show them I am happy for them when I physically can't be around them. So on top of my grieving I am dealing with so much guilt for being a bad friend ( I know poor me).
Even though I have my ups and downs, all in all I think I hold myself pretty well. Sure there are days I don't want to get out of bed or just want to stay home, but that is normal. What kind of person would I be if I wasn't going through all these emotions, I just loss my son 7 months ago. There is no time limit on grief, I know that with some time and adjusting to our new life it may be easier down the road to cope. As for right now I am doing what is best for me and taking care of myself and Jeff to get us through to each day. Grief is a roller coaster ride and as my dad says life is a roller coaster ride, it makes us stronger. There is bad things in life that will be followed with good things. ( I am waiting!)
Those that are reading, Thank You for joining me on this ride.
"I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness." -Unknown
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Little Poem....
My Mom's a Liar....
Ask My Mom How She Is...
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!
I wanted to share this. I thought it went well with my last blog.
Ask My Mom How She Is...
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!
I wanted to share this. I thought it went well with my last blog.
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