My last two blogs have been painful to write and I know hard for family and friends to read. I don't want every post to be sad or hard to read, but I have been having a hard week....for many reasons.
Today has been another one of those days. Maybe it was the rainy weather that brought me down, I don't know. I had plans to have a much needed girls night which physically I felt I couldn't do, so cancelled. I know my friends were excited to hang out and get me out, I wish I could. But maybe tonight I just needed my alone time just me (well Maize too!). I haven't had just me time to really grieve and I did a good job of it tonight. I went through the wonderful messages people wrote on the caring bridge, smelled Deaken's clothes that he wore (his smell is fading), went through all the wonderful gifts he got at my showers, Imagined him wearing each lil outfit and messed around with his stroller (If you didn't know Jeff and I were so proud and excited of our stroller purchase) then I allowed myself to let it out in the middle of his room holding what is left of him.
I titled this blog as "little blessings" because as I think back there were so many little blessings with Deaken. From the very beginning... I found out I was pregnant very early (4 weeks) and took care of myself. We feel fortunate to know about Deaken's heart before he was born. Some would disagree, but I didn't change anything if anything it made my pregnancy even more special (not to mention more foot rubs!) we also had time to prepare for what could happen and what our future would hold. Because of his heart I got to see him every week on the ultrasound and got to share the experience with family. My pregnancy went well and delivery was awesome! It took 30 hours and I pushed 3 hours straight! but it just seemed so easy. My recovery was great too, I was discharged not even 24 hours after giving birth! When I think back on all this I think it was all in God's plan....he made it easy on me so I could be there for Deaken, he knew I wouldn't have much time as I would of liked with him.
As for after Deaken was born he was the blessing and many little blessing came with him.... Although his heart was worse then they expected he had a lot working in his favor. He was bigger then expected, feisty!, drinking his bottles, breathing on his own and looked healthy (not blue like they said). It was a blessing they waited to do surgery until he was 19 days old. We got 2 1/2 weeks to treat him somewhat like a "normal" baby. We got to hold, feed him, change diapers, bathe and get to know him. After surgery it was rough. He wasn't doing as well as we all expected. On his last day though he gave us a good day, I will never forget it. We watched the TWINS opener together as a family and he was alert and looking at Jeff and I all day.
It is hard to say this.... It was a blessing God took Deaken when he did. We had him for just enough time to make memories and to keep them in our hearts. I say this because we all know he had a long uncertain road ahead. Yes, I would of done whatever to keep him here with us, but would that be fair to him? I know it is for the best, it doesn't make it easier... but I can find some peace knowing he isn't feeling any pain now. God was answering my prayers when I asked to take Deaken's pain away and give it to me.... Not the way I wanted but God works in mysteries ways.
With all the sorrow I have I still believe and have faith that everything happens for a reason. Deaken's short visit on earth has meaning, it is my goal to do what I can to keep his memory alive and raise awareness for CHD. I know there isn't a cure but if we can work on getting the funds for research maybe in the future heart parents will get the chance to bring their baby home and do the things they imagined doing with their little one.
I end this blog feeling a little bit more at peace tonight. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but who does?
"there's no night in Heaven, so we all arrive on the same day." I'll see you later today, my sweet baby boy. I'll see you later today." -unknown
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You are right Ashley, those are wonderful blessings! I never got to bathe Hazel or change her diapers, treasure those moments in your heart. The night before she died I also had 45 minutes of just her and I were she was awake and looking at me. I consider that God's gift and I will never forget it.
ReplyDeleteThe rollar coaster we are on just keeps moving ahead whether we are ready for the next valley or not. I think we are very similar and I look forward to (hopefully) joining forces as advocates for the CHD community. I have found it a great way to channel my grief into something positive.
You were a wonderful mother and I know Deaken is proud of you.