8 Months old........

It is so crazy the way the mind works, today I woke up with no feeling at all.  No ache in my heart, lump in my throat and no stomach knots...I just felt nothing.  I took the day off work and got a massage this morning and then I get home and that nothing feeling turned into more than I can take pain.  I can't believe Deaken would be 8 months old today, I would give anything to know what it is like to have an 8 month old. 

I am starting to feel like I am in my own little grieving world lately, time does move on and people too.  I just can't see past this pain and just wish I could skip these next few months.  Christmas is right around the corner and I am dreading it ( Go ahead call me the Grinch!)  My family for the past 8 years now have spent Christmas in Grand Cayman (I know poor me!).  Jeff would spend the week before Christmas down there and back home to spend with his family, so Jeff and I haven't spent actual Christmas together which I am happy to do this year.  I think just being home this year because we planned on Deaken being here is just a harsh reminder that he is really gone.

Happy 8 months old baby boy....Hope you are flying high with your angel friends.  Love you and miss you ever day.

Keeping the Faith

The past month our weekends have been full and busy.  It is nice to have plans but sometimes I just need some time to breathe, sleep in or just be! 

Jeff and I have been looking for a church to have a ceremony and one that we really connect with the pastor.  I think we found one! We attended last Sunday which was also All Saints Day.  They had a very nice service and Jeff and I each lit a candle for Deaken.  It was so welcoming and even though my eyes were not dry the whole time, my heart was so warm with love from God.  After the service Jeff and I sat down with the pastor who is a wonderful lady, we talked about Deaken and the emotions that we are dealing with since he has passed.  It was good to hear from her that all I am feeling and going through is normal.

 Grief is a roller coaster ride, unfortunately I am on it.  I will have good days and I will have bad days.
I am going through a lot of twist and turns and most downhill on my roller coaster ride right now.  With the holidays near my stomach is just in knots,  It is so hard to go through them when last year I was pregnant and I all I can think about is all the excitement with our families and how we would have a little one with us next year.  Yesterday the 13Th marked one year since we found out about Deaken's heart.  I remember the day outside it was so dark and cold, just a weird day.  It was also Friday the 13Th! My mom was with me at that appointment, that was the first time we heard about CHD.  Little did we know how much CHD would be a part of our life or how much it would effect us.

Each month on Deaken's dates they seem to sneak up on me.  I may be at a point where I am going slowly up on my roller coaster then out of nowhere it drops.  It has happened every month around the 12Th and the 17Th why am I surprised?  A friend brought he twins into work last week and they are such a blessing because she had some trouble having a baby and miscarried her first baby girl.  I truly am so happy for her, but I couldn't spend time to catch up with her and be around the babies which kills me.  I don't want anyone to feel they can't bring their babies around because I am there.  I hate that I can't be there for those friends that have babies and are healthy and happy, they should be able to show their little ones off.  I just don't get how I can truly be there show them I am happy for them when I physically can't be around them.  So on top of my grieving I am dealing with so much guilt for being a bad friend ( I know poor me).

Even though I have my ups and downs, all in all I think I hold myself pretty well.  Sure there are days I don't want to get out of bed or just want to stay home, but that is normal.  What kind of person would I be if I wasn't going through all these emotions, I just loss my son 7 months ago.  There is no time limit on grief,  I know that with some time and adjusting to our new life it may be easier down the road to cope.  As for right now I am doing what is best for me and taking care of myself and Jeff to get us through to each day.  Grief is a roller coaster ride and as my dad says life is a roller coaster ride, it makes us stronger.  There is bad things in life that will be followed with good things. ( I am waiting!)
Those that are reading, Thank You for joining me on this ride.

"I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness." -Unknown

A Little Poem....

My Mom's a Liar....


Ask My Mom How She Is...
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!

I wanted to share this.  I thought it went well with my last blog.

How are we????

"How are you?" Is a question I get often from those that don't know about Deaken and  just ask to be polite and those that do know, which I assume they are referring to how I am coping.  This question is good and reminds me you remember and are thinking of me.  To be honest I just don't have a simple answer and if I give you one I am lying.  I am not okay with not having my baby and the grief consumes my life, it is just constant.  My good  friend "Anxiety" is connected to my hip!  I feel like I can't do anything and need to prepare myself for anything that requires interacting with people... so everyday life. 

I have read that the first year without your loved one is the hardest... I can't imagine it getting any harder from here but can't imagine it getting any easier either.  In my life right now I am living in the past, I would say in the past year.  Everyday I try to remember what I was doing at this time last year and think about how my little seed was growing inside of me.  I had signed up for all the baby websites to keep me posted what to expect, which now is back firing because they like to still update me (even though I unsubscribed)  Deaken should be 7 months and 2 weeks and he would be  learning to recognize emotions and moods and maybe even giving kisses :( This just makes me sick to my stomach.... I picture his little "O" face he would make and thinking he wants to give kisses and I would kiss him right on his lips! Jeff thought I was weird but I am so glad I did.  I miss so much singing "You are my sunshine" and choking out the part "Please don't don't take my sunshine away" knowing it may be taken away.

Last year at this time we were getting excited to find out if we would be having pink or blue.  Looking back that was the only question we had at that first ultrasound.  You just don't expect that your baby my NOT be healthy.  Things will be much different if I get another chance, I won't even care if it s pink or blue.  Halloween is my favorite time of year.  I love to decorate, dress up and hand out candy.....This year I want nothing to do with it.  One of the first items we received for Deaken was a pumpkin bib from Jeff's mom.  I remember receiving it and picturing it on our baby this year.  Something so little as a bib sure can trigger a lot of emotion out of me.

I could go on and on about how I am feeling some may be wondering how Jeff is doing???  As I have said before and those that know him he keeps to himself with his grief.  I can tell when he is having a hard day or a day he is questioning why?  A few weeks ago he went back to work after being laid off.  The Sunday before I could tell he was taking it hard.  There just is something that you realize when going back to work, the world really is still moving on and being apart of that world makes you feel like you have to move on too, which when you are grieving isn't easy or maybe not an option in your mind (If that makes any sense).  Like I said before I live in the past right now, living in those 26 days with Deaken and I think maybe Jeff got a glimpse of what I have been talking about since I have been back to work.  It takes a lot out of me to be in a public work setting.  That Monday back for Jeff was a hard day, I could just tell.   He opened up at dinner that a few people asked if he had any children, which he did tell them about Deaken and I am happy he did.   Another co-worker remembered Jeff from another job site and remembered we were expecting, he asked how it was going being a father?  Jeff told him about Deaken too.  I am happy Jeff talked about it with others, I think it helps.  I asked Jeff if he was okay telling people and he said he was.  This is huge to me, Jeff is a man of few words but when he talks it is meaningful and comes from his heart (Usually!) that is why I love him so much<3

With all this emotion we have going on in our life we have found moments of peace and even time to have a little fun.  Jeff was a groomsmen in a good friends wedding this past weekend and we had a good time with friends and family.  We even got a little dressed up! which can help lift any ones spirits.

Feeling Down....

  Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.  I have my special candle lit and having all the angel babies on my mind.

 I am weak and feeling very hopeless, I can't believe what Jeff and I have been dealt.  How do we go on living our life and even think about starting a family.  Yes, I want another chance I want so badly to have a healthy baby, but what about Deaken? He won't be replaced with another baby.    Is it fare to have another baby to somewhat fill the void in our hearts? And is it fare if we think of Deaken when we see our next baby?  These questions I have no answers to and don't know what is right or what is the right way to look at the situation.

I haven't figured it out yet but for some reason I like to torture myself by going into the baby section at stores and looking at others baby's pictures...It is so hard to think I had that and it was taken away.  I have all the baby items and mom body but no baby.  It is just so unreal, so unfair (If that is even the word for it).
I miss Deaken very much...  I miss just staring at him in awe, I miss watching his eyes wander with so much curiosity, so much LIFE! Just wish I had more time with him.  Nobody should have to bury their baby.

Keep on trucking.....

Not sure where to start tonight, A lot has happened this past week/weekend. After my last blog last week, my week was a struggle but weekend ended on a good note which reminded me how much support we have.

I will begin to tell you about my Friday night... I had a crappy week and Friday's plan was to stay home and feel sorry for myself. My mother in law got great seats to the gopher hockey game and invited me along, so I decided that sounded better than plan A. As we were leaving the game and navigating through Minneapolis I started to recognize street names, places Jeff and I would eat and felt my stomach knotting up. I knew we were near Deaken's "temporary home" but didn't think it would have such an effect on me. I shed some tears on the way back to the house and waited until I got home to let myself fall apart (This I can only do alone). I have never felt this kind of pain as I did Friday night and Saturday morning. I wish nobody would ever have this kind of pain. The knots, heaviness, pressure, loneliness, fear, fog, failure....and so on... This I feel everyday but I guess not all at the same time which is just too much for one to handle.

I know I wasn't alone that night, I couldn't have been otherwise I don't know how I could make it through. I was just recalling the night we got the call that Deaken had "taken a turn for the worst" (I will never forget those words) The only thing I remember thinking on the drive back to the hospital was "If Deaken doesn't make it either will I, there is no life after him." I am not alone and feel I have been carried through. It is amazing the things you can get through even in thinking you could never, this goes for anything in life.

Saturday evening turned into another reminder I am not alone and many are thinking of Jeff, Deaken and me daily. It was quite a surprise when we showed up at Jeff's sisters house thinking we were just having a usual Saturday dinner, twins game and game night. Friends started showing up with the best surprise and gift ever! Thanks to the very best friends ever Deaken's name will be on the new memory wall at Target field! Jeff and I are speechless and so honored to be Deaken's mommy and daddy=) It means so much because not only are we Twins fans (even if they didn't win) Deaken's last day was on opening day April 12TH. We spent the day watching the game with him in my arms.

Yesterday marked 6 months without my little mutty boy. We know he is here with us and some I have told the stories about the little things that have happened to us. Last night we believe he was checking in on us again, letting us know he is okay and safe. To make a long story short Maize stopped going in her and Deaken's room after he passed and when she does she looks up at the crib and will do a short bark (If you know her you know what I am talking about!) Well last night as we were getting into bed and turning the lights out she started to do her short barking and went into the room looking up at the crib....this happened three times last night. Weird huh? well this also happened last month on the 17TH (Goosebumps yet?) This doesn't scare me it actually gives Jeff and I some peace, that he is here with us.

So very proud! We placed this on our mantel.  Special Thank you to everyone who made this happen=)
Amanda, Leiann, Lauren, Molly & Adam, Amelia & Adam, Jamie & Dan, Nellie, Brent, Drew, Tony & Tonya, Wachal & Angie, Julie, Amy, E Nelsen, Elizabeth & Ryan, Brink & Sabrina, Post & Suzy and our parents Scot & Lori and John & Kim.

Some People....

I have been frustrated this week... I usually blow off stupid things people say to me but I am getting real irritated at the last few things said to me. I get that people don't know what to say and may find it awkward to be around me. If that is the case I think I would rather be upset that you didn't mention Deaken than to hear you say stupid things that would upset me more.

Now I may take things the wrong way or think too much into what is said to me but please know when you ask "How things are going?" (Referring to Deaken) and I say "It is hard..ect.." and the response is "Really??" (In a surprised tone!) I would love to smack this person in the face with a shoe! Because I knew about his heart before hand it really shouldn't of been a surprise he didn't make it according to this person. This person also states I must have done something for Deaken's heart to be so wrong and shook their head in disbelief that there is no known cause for CHD. I cannot believe some people and how they just don't have any common sense... I am hurt by these comments and can't believe someone would have the guts to have a conversation with me like this...Just unbelievable.


Losing Deaken is not a sickness that I will get over, I will not get "better". I have my days when I can function just fine and some may feel like I am better. This is so far from what is really going on with me... In public or around others I have to hold it together, I fear of making things awkward. If I keep my mind busy I am able to function but I have found if I fill my days, weekends and stay busy there is a time when I crash...It hits me so much harder when I try to keep my head busy. I could go on and on about what not to say or do to someone that is grieving...A good friend came out and asked what someone grieving needs. I would say be there for them, to talk or just a shoulder to cry on. Stay in touch (email, text, call or visit) even if they don't answer or cancel plans with you. This is nothing against you, it takes a lot to have a conversation or to get out in public. Remember, Remember Deaken. Ask about the loved one...Ask me about Deaken. I love to talk about him and would love to share normal baby things with anyone about him...Like how he hated his diaper changed or anyone messing with his feet. He loved when I kissed his neck and when Jeff and I would smother his chubby cheeks. He was at ease when I would tickle his face with the silk of his blanket. I miss my time with him so very much. We may not have a baby at home but Jeff and I are a mommy and daddy please don't forget.

This video was one I didn't know existed or forgot about until a few weeks ago. It melts my heart, feeding Deaken was precious time with him. He would get too sleepy when I held him so I would have to feed him in his bed.