Keeping the Faith

The past month our weekends have been full and busy.  It is nice to have plans but sometimes I just need some time to breathe, sleep in or just be! 

Jeff and I have been looking for a church to have a ceremony and one that we really connect with the pastor.  I think we found one! We attended last Sunday which was also All Saints Day.  They had a very nice service and Jeff and I each lit a candle for Deaken.  It was so welcoming and even though my eyes were not dry the whole time, my heart was so warm with love from God.  After the service Jeff and I sat down with the pastor who is a wonderful lady, we talked about Deaken and the emotions that we are dealing with since he has passed.  It was good to hear from her that all I am feeling and going through is normal.

 Grief is a roller coaster ride, unfortunately I am on it.  I will have good days and I will have bad days.
I am going through a lot of twist and turns and most downhill on my roller coaster ride right now.  With the holidays near my stomach is just in knots,  It is so hard to go through them when last year I was pregnant and I all I can think about is all the excitement with our families and how we would have a little one with us next year.  Yesterday the 13Th marked one year since we found out about Deaken's heart.  I remember the day outside it was so dark and cold, just a weird day.  It was also Friday the 13Th! My mom was with me at that appointment, that was the first time we heard about CHD.  Little did we know how much CHD would be a part of our life or how much it would effect us.

Each month on Deaken's dates they seem to sneak up on me.  I may be at a point where I am going slowly up on my roller coaster then out of nowhere it drops.  It has happened every month around the 12Th and the 17Th why am I surprised?  A friend brought he twins into work last week and they are such a blessing because she had some trouble having a baby and miscarried her first baby girl.  I truly am so happy for her, but I couldn't spend time to catch up with her and be around the babies which kills me.  I don't want anyone to feel they can't bring their babies around because I am there.  I hate that I can't be there for those friends that have babies and are healthy and happy, they should be able to show their little ones off.  I just don't get how I can truly be there show them I am happy for them when I physically can't be around them.  So on top of my grieving I am dealing with so much guilt for being a bad friend ( I know poor me).

Even though I have my ups and downs, all in all I think I hold myself pretty well.  Sure there are days I don't want to get out of bed or just want to stay home, but that is normal.  What kind of person would I be if I wasn't going through all these emotions, I just loss my son 7 months ago.  There is no time limit on grief,  I know that with some time and adjusting to our new life it may be easier down the road to cope.  As for right now I am doing what is best for me and taking care of myself and Jeff to get us through to each day.  Grief is a roller coaster ride and as my dad says life is a roller coaster ride, it makes us stronger.  There is bad things in life that will be followed with good things. ( I am waiting!)
Those that are reading, Thank You for joining me on this ride.

"I am strong because I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because I'm a fighter. I am wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness." -Unknown