How are we????

"How are you?" Is a question I get often from those that don't know about Deaken and  just ask to be polite and those that do know, which I assume they are referring to how I am coping.  This question is good and reminds me you remember and are thinking of me.  To be honest I just don't have a simple answer and if I give you one I am lying.  I am not okay with not having my baby and the grief consumes my life, it is just constant.  My good  friend "Anxiety" is connected to my hip!  I feel like I can't do anything and need to prepare myself for anything that requires interacting with people... so everyday life. 

I have read that the first year without your loved one is the hardest... I can't imagine it getting any harder from here but can't imagine it getting any easier either.  In my life right now I am living in the past, I would say in the past year.  Everyday I try to remember what I was doing at this time last year and think about how my little seed was growing inside of me.  I had signed up for all the baby websites to keep me posted what to expect, which now is back firing because they like to still update me (even though I unsubscribed)  Deaken should be 7 months and 2 weeks and he would be  learning to recognize emotions and moods and maybe even giving kisses :( This just makes me sick to my stomach.... I picture his little "O" face he would make and thinking he wants to give kisses and I would kiss him right on his lips! Jeff thought I was weird but I am so glad I did.  I miss so much singing "You are my sunshine" and choking out the part "Please don't don't take my sunshine away" knowing it may be taken away.

Last year at this time we were getting excited to find out if we would be having pink or blue.  Looking back that was the only question we had at that first ultrasound.  You just don't expect that your baby my NOT be healthy.  Things will be much different if I get another chance, I won't even care if it s pink or blue.  Halloween is my favorite time of year.  I love to decorate, dress up and hand out candy.....This year I want nothing to do with it.  One of the first items we received for Deaken was a pumpkin bib from Jeff's mom.  I remember receiving it and picturing it on our baby this year.  Something so little as a bib sure can trigger a lot of emotion out of me.

I could go on and on about how I am feeling some may be wondering how Jeff is doing???  As I have said before and those that know him he keeps to himself with his grief.  I can tell when he is having a hard day or a day he is questioning why?  A few weeks ago he went back to work after being laid off.  The Sunday before I could tell he was taking it hard.  There just is something that you realize when going back to work, the world really is still moving on and being apart of that world makes you feel like you have to move on too, which when you are grieving isn't easy or maybe not an option in your mind (If that makes any sense).  Like I said before I live in the past right now, living in those 26 days with Deaken and I think maybe Jeff got a glimpse of what I have been talking about since I have been back to work.  It takes a lot out of me to be in a public work setting.  That Monday back for Jeff was a hard day, I could just tell.   He opened up at dinner that a few people asked if he had any children, which he did tell them about Deaken and I am happy he did.   Another co-worker remembered Jeff from another job site and remembered we were expecting, he asked how it was going being a father?  Jeff told him about Deaken too.  I am happy Jeff talked about it with others, I think it helps.  I asked Jeff if he was okay telling people and he said he was.  This is huge to me, Jeff is a man of few words but when he talks it is meaningful and comes from his heart (Usually!) that is why I love him so much<3

With all this emotion we have going on in our life we have found moments of peace and even time to have a little fun.  Jeff was a groomsmen in a good friends wedding this past weekend and we had a good time with friends and family.  We even got a little dressed up! which can help lift any ones spirits.