Feeling Down....

  Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.  I have my special candle lit and having all the angel babies on my mind.

 I am weak and feeling very hopeless, I can't believe what Jeff and I have been dealt.  How do we go on living our life and even think about starting a family.  Yes, I want another chance I want so badly to have a healthy baby, but what about Deaken? He won't be replaced with another baby.    Is it fare to have another baby to somewhat fill the void in our hearts? And is it fare if we think of Deaken when we see our next baby?  These questions I have no answers to and don't know what is right or what is the right way to look at the situation.

I haven't figured it out yet but for some reason I like to torture myself by going into the baby section at stores and looking at others baby's pictures...It is so hard to think I had that and it was taken away.  I have all the baby items and mom body but no baby.  It is just so unreal, so unfair (If that is even the word for it).
I miss Deaken very much...  I miss just staring at him in awe, I miss watching his eyes wander with so much curiosity, so much LIFE! Just wish I had more time with him.  Nobody should have to bury their baby.