Night Owl.....

I am feeling like a night owl tonight, The pain I am feeling is overwhelming right now. I can't sleep, I feel sick to my stomach and don't even want to be right now. At this moment I am at the point where looking at the positives in life are just nonexistent. Deaken would have been six months old today and this is hitting me hard. I long for what could of been, what should of been. I also think about if Deaken was here we would be preparing for a plan for his second surgery that he would have in the next couple months. Wow how time does fly, I feel like it was not too long ago he was here and had his first. I can't even imagine what he would be like at this age and what it would be like to hand him over again to the surgeons. I see people having a hard time bringing their baby in for shots and mothers can't handle that. Imagine handing your baby over for open heart surgery, they just don't compare. I hate that any parent has to hand their children's lives over to the hands of the surgeon to keep their baby alive they have no other option, it just breaks my heart. A dear heart mom Natalie, her son Aidden was due for his second surgery this past Monday the 13Th. Unfortunately he had a bump in the road and surgery was postponed. Please keep Aidden and his family in your prayers.

The week of the 12Th and the 17Th are never easy, It is a struggle to get through my week. I find what gets me through is the simple "Thinking of you/Deaken" or "praying for you" whatever it may be that keeps me going... This Sunday the 12Th I was feeling a little low when it was the first time I didn't get anything. I know this past weekend was about Deaken and I did receive lots of support. I knew that with time things would be different. Maybe it was just harder because the past 4 months I had all that support on the 12Th and then for there just to be nothing... I don't want anyone to feel bad about this so please don't. I am just dealing with a lot of emotion over this and just putting it out there is helping take the loud off my chest. I do wonder when I will stop counting the months Deaken has been gone and when it will just be the years.... Same with his birth date the 17Th, will I continue to count in months??? I don't know. I realize I might expect too much from people, but please know this is what my life revolves around.

Happy 6 months to my sweet baby boy, Daddy and Mommy miss you very much and love you more than anything. We will be sending 26 red balloons up this evening for you and all your angel friends.