First I have to say what a great weekend and tribute to the CHD warriors and angels. This weekend was the first annual walk in Alexandria for CHD. It's My Heart did an awesome job and it was so much more than I expected it to be. I had the best support team with me, Thanks ladies for making the trip! I also loved to see and meet the other CHD families.
This weekend also marked 5 months without Deaken. Instead of wasting the day away, which was all I really wanted to do. I decided to be somewhat productive. We went for a family walk that morning, ran some errands, had me time with a magazine and I finished my story for Matters of the Heart Vol. 2. As I was writing the end to Deaken's story I happened to look at the clock, it was a little before 9:30pm and it made me think what we were doing 5 months ago at that same time. I remember thinking this is the end, the end to everything...Our hopes, our dreams, our life...
When I think back of course I would feel that way in that moment and still sometimes do. It isn't the end of Deaken, it is true he's not here but it is just the beginning his story lives on, his memory lives on.
I try to live my life as positive as I can. No, I am not perfect and far from it, there are times when I can be the most negative person. Without going into detail, our family has been dealt a very unfortunate hand this year, with lots of struggle, disappointment and hurt. In the end I have faith all will work out and just try to be a good person through all this and stay positive. Nobody is guaranteed another day. Would you want to be remembered on your last day as negative, hurtful to others or depressed? When I'm gone I want people to think of me as a person who always saw the good in a bad situation. Going through unfortunate situations help us to learn from mistakes, grow a little stronger and make you who you are.
You never know the struggles that another person is going through, some just don't care to. I am fortunate to have a neighbor that came over today and she knew something was going on and asked if I had a baby. She said she saw flowers being delivered and the other day in the window she saw a crib mobile, but hasn't seen a baby. I explained what had happened and she shared with me this Oct. marked 4 years since her little boy passed away. It is so nice to talk with other mom's that get it that unfortunately lost their baby also. It reassures all the pain, hurt, and anger I feel is legit. I have a great support group but it is just different talking to those who have lost a child.
Life is what you make it. What would it be without the ups and downs? I will get through this, all I ask is for time, understanding and keeping Deaken's memory alive.
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