Whole Hearts

I want to share this picture with all of you, I know it is a horrible one of me but I just gave birth a few hours ago! This picture was the first time I really got to meet Deaken and touch him. It is a very special picture to me.

I wish that I had something uplifting to blog about, but all I have right now is so much anger, hurt and confusion.

I am angry with the way things have turned out, angry we have all these bills to pay for and yet no baby here with us. Hurt that other parents are going through the loss of their child, and for confusion where do I start??? I am so confused why this had to happen. I get it that Deaken's heart just couldn't take it anymore, I get it that he had a long road ahead of him, I get it that his quality of life was questionable and I get it that he is in heaven with a whole heart and in zero pain, these things "I get" but it doesn't make any of this easier for me or for Jeff.

In general I am just confused about my life... Why I am still here and how do I continue to breathe and make it through each day. How does God expect those that lose their babies to continue to breathe??? Some days I have large black clouds over me and I just want to give up. I am feeling so lost without the missing piece of my heart Deaken took with him. When I am called home to heaven will my heart be whole again? sometimes the pain is so strong I feel I can't breathe.

It is so strange to have all these dark moments and then at times I have no emotion, no feeling, no interest in anything at all. My whole body is just numb. Maybe this is just something your body goes through when it just can't handle it anymore. I have all this pain and just don't know how to deal with it and really I don't want to deal with it.

I am looking forward to having a 4 day weekend and just having time to sort through my emotions. Time is all I need, it won't cure me or make it all better, but with time I am hoping to find some peace or some comfort knowing I will see Deaken again some day and I will also have my whole heart.