Tonight my mind is everywhere... I woke up this morning thinking of Angie and Ryan (Hazel's mom and dad), Today Hazel should be 6 months old. I ask myself daily, How does God expect those that lose their babies to continue with every day life? We have constant reminders that our babies are not here with us. Birth and angel dates of each month, seeing other mothers with their baby, and my favorite the weight I struggle to lose.
Yesterday I knew I was due for a breakdown. As Jeff and I were driving home we saw a young mother pushing a stroller with a baby boy, the stroller was like ours. It is crazy how something as simple as a stroller can make you feel so much pain and anger. Deaken should be here....he should be in his stroller and go for walks with Maize and I.
There has to be some meaning for all this to happen. I am not sure what it means and who knows if I ever will. I was chosen to be Deaken's mommy and to be his voice for CHD. I am doing my best to be a advocate for CHD and I know if this never happened to me I would have nothing to do with this and think that wouldn't happen to me or anyone I love. I wish this didn't have to happen to me to open my eyes. It hurts to know that I am not alone, there are so many parents dealing with the loss of their children and not just from CHD.
I feel like I can't move forward in life. I continue to live in the 26 days that Deaken was with us, replaying his 26 days over and over. I am still just making it one day at a time.....
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Hi Ashley. You are not alone in that the littlest of things make you sad. That happens to me too. You are being a great advocate for CHD and because of you, everyone you know now knows what CHD is all about. Please know that you are doing a good thing. My friend Linda told me about 2 babies that she knows about with CHD. One was born already and passed away and the other one has not been born yet. It's sad to think that so many families are going through the same thing that we are. You know that we are here for you and Jeff. We think about you every single day as we too suffer through our sadness, not only for the loss of our Grandson but also watching you and Jeff struggle through this difficult time. It is truely the most difficult thing we have had to deal with. We love you both very very much.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog (I think through Angie's :-)and I look forward to reading more. I'm so sorry for your loss, he was such a beautiful little baby. I can't imagine what you two are going through, but I find both your writing so insightful. You feel so helpless when someone loses a child...you have no idea what to say or do! I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, and I can just imagine Hazel and Deaken playing together in Heaven. <3
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeletePlease know that everything you are feeling and thinking is normal for someone who has lost their child. I cannot begin to understand your pain because I have never lost a child. Just know with your blog you are reaching out and helping many. You are letting others know what emotions run through the minds of mothers who lose their children. Your blog can help others understand your pain and suffering. Many do not know what to do, what to say or how to act around you and with you openly sharing it will help them to meet your needs at this time.
You will help me as a NICU nurse to better meet the needs of the families I serve who are going through the loss of their infant through your sharing of what you are going through.
You are also helping mothers and fathers everywhere who have experienced the loss of their child. Reading your blog will help them to know they are not going crazy or that they should be acting and feeling differently. You are helping them to know what they feel is normal for someone who has lost their beloved child.
Do not feel guilty if you have a good day. It means you are starting to heal and from other mothers I have heard from it is a long process. They say the bad days get fewer and the sadness never completely dissappears, and yet, the happy memories of the time they had here on this earth with their babies start to take over and lessen the constant pain you feel throughout most days now.
Do not be hard on yourself when you are feeling angry. Anger is a part of grief and you have to go through all those stages before you work through your grief. I also think that your writing all this down and keeping this blog will help you get those feelings out and as you go back and read through your blog in the future you will be able to recognize your own healing. I am proud of you for doing this. You are a strong young woman who has inspired many of us. Your courage:
To work through your feelings during your pregnancy knowing you had a challenge to face once your little Deaken was born.
Getting the answers and researching how you could give Deaken the best chance with his CHD, Sharing your love for Deaken and sharing all of your family with us so we could learn from you about what you face with a child with CHD.
Your brave actions to reach out and share with others your pain and suffering so we can attempt to understand what you are going through.
I keep all of you in my prayers and I hope for both of you you find peace with what has happened to your family and that you can continue to touch the lives of others by sharing your heart.
Nancy Schult