Remembering....

Every month I dread the week of the 12Th and the 17Th, it seems to get harder with time. It is just not right I should have my 4 month old baby boy. I am so thankful I have so much support from my friends and family, without them this journey would be a lot harder. As time goes on I love to randomly hear that others still think of Deaken often and remember how special he is.

This past weekend I started writing Deaken's story for a book that will be out next year to help raise awareness for CHD. Although I play my days with Deaken over and over in my head I am finding it hard to type it out. Thinking about when I was pregnant seems to really bother me...I miss it so much. I miss my belly, I miss feeling him kick, I even miss my swollen ankles and would give anything for the back pain of being pregnant. Deaken was safe in my tummy and I could protect him, it was so hard to see him go through what he did in his short life.

Along with all this going on in my head I have to be able to function at work, which wasn't easy this week. We had CPR renewal class on Tuesday which went fine until we got to the baby part and needed to practice. All I could see in my head was the night we got the call and running into Deaken's room and the nurses doing CPR on him. A horrible image no parent wants to see done on their baby. The CPR instructor said they continue to do CPR on a patient until the family gets there, more for "show." I wish they stopped they new he was already gone and there wasn't anymore to be done.

My favorite thing people say to me is "I don't know how you do it" or "How do you do it, I couldn't do it." I really take some offense to it, I'm not ok with going on without Deaken, One day just turns into another and I continue to breath, that's all I can do. Most days I feel like I am going through the motions of life.