Strong outside, Weak inside

"Being strong is knowing when it's ok to be weak."

I love this saying, I hear all the time how strong I am, How strong Jeff and I are. I don't feel strong at all, but do know to get through what we have been dealt this year has made me strong if not stronger. I still believe that I will not be dealt with more then I can handle. My dad was in a bad motorcycle accident about 4 weeks ago, He broke his back, neck and split his head open. We figure he was laying at the scene of the accident about 2 hours before help arrived. His doctor said he is very lucky to be alive and not paralyzed. It is a miricle he didn't die that night. I believe Deaken and God were there that night with my dad, they knew our family couldn't handle another loss. Since Deaken passed I have a stronger relationship with God, He is carrying me through all of this, He is the one in control.

I get it that Deaken couldn't be the little boy we all wanted, I do! That doesn't make it any easier for me and I do keep myself together thinking that. There are times though when I need to cry, I hold it in so much just not to make things awkward. I feel I can only let my emotions out when I am alone, even away from Maize our dog.

This weekend I had a nice weekend. I was dreading it because Jeff would be gone and I have only been alone once at night since Deaken passed. I did just fine! With the help of two good friends that kept me company on Saturday and planned a low key night. It was so nice because I really felt like they wanted to know what was going on in my life now and just showed that they care so much for Jeff and I. I feel like the night was all about me! which sometimes a person needs. It is healing for me to talk about Deaken and talk about the other heart babies I know. Thank you so much Amanda and Nellie for Saturday, I knew if I needed a cry you both would have been right there with me=)

Everyday...WAIT!....Every minute in a day is a different emotion I feel about losing Deaken. Some I am at peace, but others my heart is acheing. I can imagine it will always be like that. I know that I can be strong but also that it is ok for me to be weak.