Two months gone by....

Yesterday marked 2 months without Deaken. I slept in until noon, which Jeff made me feel guilty about but I decided I am not going to feel guilty. 1) I needed the sleep and 2)I wanted to just get the day over with. The 17th and the 12th of each month will never be the same to me. The 17th will always be a reminder that Deaken should be this old and the 12th marks how long he has been gone. 2 months??? It just doesn't feel right. I feel like it has been an eternity since he left us and other days it seems just like yesterday I was smothering him with kisses.

Some things I need to get out and feel I have been struggling with is accepting my new way of "getting by" in other words my life. I say "getting by" because that is exactly how I feel, I am doing what needs to get done and then I am spent. My emotions are up and down and change within a matter of minutes. Some days I feel as though I am just going through the motions.

During this grieving process I am finding out more and more who is really there for me. I know it is hard to know what to say to me and when the phone rings I most likely won't or I just can't answer. It is hard to explain and don't expect anyone to understand unless you have gone through a loss like this. Please don't give up on me or on us..... just knowing you think about Jeff, Deaken and me is all I want to know. When we do talk don't be afraid to mention Deaken's name, because that is what I long to hear.

I have been put in a few situations since Deaken passed that I am not sure how to deal with and that I am not ready to deal with. As a grieving mother who's baby has just passed away 2 months ago I don't feel comfortable around other babies right now or talking about them, especially little boys. This doesn't mean I don't care and I know that I can't avoid all babies forever, but please know this is a hard situation for me to be in. I find myself unable to be in public without seeing a little boy and my heart aches and my arms feel so empty without my little Deaken here in them. As a mother I would hope you can respect that.


I met with another heart mom who lost her little Hazel in January to HLHS. Although we all have different ways of grieving I have found her and I have a lot of the same emotions in our grieving process. It was so nice to sit down with someone who is also grieving and be able to mention Deaken's name without feeling like I made it a uncomfortable conversation. It is so nice to know my feelings are what others are feeling and that I am not being unrealistic. I look forward to talking more with her as we travel this unknown path of grief.

I end this blog tonight with a reminder to those reading.... This is a grieving mothers blog, unfortunately I am that grieving mother... Nothing I write is directed toward anyone. It is just to help those understand what I am going through and it does help me to write this out. Thank you for understanding.