Everyday is a struggle to feel somewhat "normal". I don't want to be selfish in my grief, but I am feeling so sad for myself. I am having a hard time with why did this happen to me? not that I would ever wish for one to lose their baby. I thought I did everyhting right during my pregnancy and what did Deaken do to deserve this? He had so much life to live. He didn't know that what he had to go through wasn't the way life was intended. It is hard for Jeff and I to think he never saw the sunlight, had a breath of fresh air and most of all never got to come home. As I was driving home today I thought to myself that bringing your baby home has to be the next best thing next to meeting your baby. I may never know......
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am so frusterated, frusterated with those that think things will be ok or with time things will be "normal" again. I am Deaken's mom, I carried him for 39 weeks and my life will never be "normal" again. I am missing a piece of my life that cannot be replaced.
Along with feeling frusterated, I am feeling like a failure. I feel like I failed at being a mom, I couldn't save or protect Deaken. I feel I am failing at my friendships, I just don't have the strength to have a normal conversation with people because as of right now my life revolves around my saddness for Deaken. And with my family, I find myself being so angry with them for no reason.
I am feeling so alone.....I know I have a great support system, but unless you have lost your baby I don't think you really know how it feels, and would never want you to expierence this pain. I feel alone in a way that most people my age are going out having fun or are starting families of their own, which I am so happy for them but also find it hard because I want what they have. I would love to go out and not feel guilty for forgetting reality for a couple hours or to go home to my baby and just hold him.
I regret so many things of my time with Deaken. I wish I had taken more videos and pictures, stayed at his bedside longer and had skin on skin time. You just don't think it could happen to you and I regret being so blind to the fact that he may not come home and do the things we planned.
This blog wasn't intended to offend anyone and I hope nobody feels that way.
Our Warrior Deaken
Daddy & Deaken
Mommy & Deaken
Maize Girl
Proud Parents =)
About Me
- Ashley
- I am a mommy to a handsome angel Deaken Scot. Deaken was here for only 26 days but has taught me so much about life and love. Deaken was born with multiple heart defects and before him I knew nothing about CHD. I want to do what I can to raise awareness and money for more research. I was fortunate to know about Deaken's condition before he was born, many mother's don't know.
Little Mutty Boy :)
oh Ashley, I wish I could say something that could put you a little more at ease. All I can say is to not be hard on yourself. You deserve to be angry. You have every right to be frustrated, and you have every reason in the world to be sad. I do not know (nor does anyone) how or if you are going to heal, I pray your days get brighter than the day before and maybe you will find a "new normal". A normal of living your life as the Mommy of a sweet angel. A mommy with a hole in HER heart. You did not fail as a mommy, you loved Deaken every day of his life and beyond. You took on Deaken's pain and now you carry it every day. I cannot think of a more brave or unselfish act. Deaken WILL someday be a big brother and because of HIM you will be a better Mommy than anyone I know.
ReplyDeleteI know that what I am saying does not matter to you now, Deaken is still gone, and your heart will be forever broken. I am not great with words or anything, I hope nothing I said makes it worse or drives you away, that was definitely not the intent. I just want you to know that I (and I think I can speak for many others) love you and are here when you are ready. You need not worry about anyone else, take care of yourself and Jeff. You will never fail at your friendships because we will never go away :)
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow and having a girls night!
Your words echo my own so closely. Still working on that "new normal".
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