It has been a hard week and I am still trying to get a hold of my emotions. I am not liking the person I am right now and trying my best to find the new me.
This weekend was hard on Father's day. Even though Jeff tries to stay strong for me and tends to hold his feelings in, I could tell he was hurting. He had so many hopes and dreams for his son and to see them just vanish the way they did is just not right.
I have decided to cut back a day at work for awhile. It has been hard to go to work and act normal all day and then the drive home is when I fall apart and have to go back to reality. I had a patient today ask about Deaken, she didn't know he was gone so I told her and after we talked it felt good to talk about him and to say yes I had a baby, I had him for 26 days.
This weekend I also feel I made some progress in my grief. I decided to clean out the freezer...I have been hanging on to all of Deaken's milk and came to terms that I didn't need to keep it around anymore as a constant reminder. When talking to my friend Angie (Hazel's mommy) she said something that made sense to me and helped me to look at "The Room" differently. She said they never got to bring Hazel home so the room that was intended for her is just the baby room..... Same with Deaken we never got to bring him home so it really isn't his room. I have kept all Deaken's things separate anything he used is his and all the rest is for the baby to be, I have begun storing some things for now in hopes that someday I will get another chance at being the mommy I had imagined on being to Deaken
On a another note I am looking forward to this Saturday. We are doing Heartbeat 5000 walk/run in memory of Deaken and I am so thankful for those that are joining Jeff and I, not only for the support but also for a great cause to raise awareness and money for CHD.
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That must have been so hard for you Ashley. We don't want to feel like we're letting go of the few material things that remind us of our children. But I've realized that the memories in my mind and the love in my heart far surpass those things (even though it breaks my heart that Hazel's only pair of socks no longer smell like her). May God's peace fill you and Jeff both, and may His arms carry you to tomorrow.
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