Forever Changed....

The past week February 7-14 was Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week.  How fitting to end CHD week on Valentine's Day!  I have some awesome friends and family that have helped to raise awareness with me, Thank You all. I want to shine the spotlight on my cousin Chelsey, she has been such a support to Jeff and I.  This past week all her commission earned from her sales with scentsy will go to The Chloe Duyck Memorial Fund in memory of Deaken!  She is such a thoughtful person and always finding ways to raise money for CHD and donating what she can.  I love you Chelsey very much and so honored to have you as a little cousin :)

I often wonder and worry about Jeff,  Wondering if he is grieving at all? and worry that he holds it in.... I know we all grieve differently and I have to remember some guys are more sensitive than others.  I saw a change in him last weekend that was a sign for me that he is grieving, he remembers and he does have feelings!  He often mentions he wishes we lived closer to friends and feels so left out and distant....His friends are on a total different page or chapter for that matter!  Jeff had planned last Saturday to go hang out with friends, he left around 5pm and was calling by 8pm to come home....He missed his girls (me and Maize)  What??? I am thinking, this is what you are always missing out on and you want to come home after 3 hours???  My only explanation for this is he is feeling how I do when I go hang out. We are forever changed by all that has happened.  We like to be together and "safe" at home.  I know this may sound like we are secluding ourselves, we do hang out with others but larger groups are hard without each other.  I also think that us being "safe" right now is what we have to do to get by. 

One year is approaching fast, I should be saying I can't believe I will have a 1 year old and instead I say or think I should have a 1 year old.  To follow the birth date is another dreaded date, 1 year since one of the worst days in my life.  How will I make it through these next few months?  I know I will, it is going to be hard. What keeps me going is I know I will see Deaken again someday and everyday brings me closer.