I may have spoke too soon about feeling a little weight lifted, it was nice while it lasted.... Tonight my good friends grief and anxiety are back.... The heaviness, knots in my stomach and racing mind have consumed me, I can't sleep.
When I got home from work Jeff asked what happened to make you feel this way? This just shows how different we are grieving...Nothing in particular has to happen to change my mood or feelings, I am just beyond empty inside. I am having quite a bit of anxiety for this coming Monday. The U is having a memorial service for those that lost a child from Jan.-April of this year, I am not sure what to expect and not even sure if I will be able to walk in the hospital. Jeff and I don't know if this will be healing to attend or just set us back.
I believe God sends people in our lives in times of struggle and he knew I was struggling yesterday (Thurs.) About a month ago a patient was in and I shared with her that Deaken had passed, she had instant tears and I knew that look to well....She also had a baby boy that passed, it has been 13 years but the pain for her is just like yesterday. She came in last night for an appointment and brought me a very thoughtful gift, she also really wants to get together with me and hear about Deaken and wants to help guide me through this. It has been 13 years since her son passed suddenly and she said it took her a long time to find some peace in her heart. I do believe God has sent her to help me and I do look forward to getting together with her and sharing Deaken's story.
I know I wouldn't make it through without all the prayers. I do have a few requests for those that could really use extra prayers:
Since Deaken I have kind of been wrapped myself in the heart community, keeping up with other heart babies and angel mommies. This time last year there were quite a few heart babies born and unfortunately many that have earned their wings. My heart is going out to all of those families, not only are they grieving the loss of their baby, but also it is the holiday season which makes things more of a challenge to make it through each day. Please lift those families up in prayer...
An urgent prayer request for Jeff's Grampy, who was admitted into the hospital last night for a blood clot in his foot. Jeff's Grampy has been through so much and always has a positive attitude. Please pray for the doctors to have the knowledge to make the right choices and for the comfort and strength for Grampy.
With faith anything is possible!
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Oh dear friend, how those "okay" moments seem to disappear so quickly. Sometimes triggers will cause a meltdown, but you are so right, it can be a Thursday, the 5th of the month, and nothing particular happened but the weight is so heavy.
ReplyDeleteWhat a blessing that woman was for you! God does see our broken hearts and reminds us that our children are not forgotten and that we are loved. I hope this new relationship continues to be a support for you in the coming days and months.
Praying for your aching heart and your empty arms especially now with what is to come in the next few weeks. Remembering always your sweet baby boy.
Love you.