Bah Hum Bug!

When I don't write for some time it usually means I have so much going on in my head I can't focus enough to sit down and type it out.  I am still alive, but barley breathing...That is exactly how I feel.  The heaviness and anxiety set in yesterday morning, not that it always isn't lingering,  but I sure do know when it is going to be more of a struggle. I knew I had to make it through work Thursday so I pushed it aside as best as I could.  It all came apart last night into this morning, I have so much anger....

I really would love just a low key Christmas this year, but that isn't happening.   As I have mentioned before I usually am gone over Christmas with my family and that is our Christmas on a  white sand beach, what more could I ask for?  This year is so different and I am not good with change.  We will be celebrating with both families on Christmas eve and Christmas day.... I have anxiety just thinking about it.  It isn't that I don't want to be with family, Grief alone is exhausting but just thinking two days full of interacting, needing to be places at this time is just going to be too much.

 So why do I do it?  I have to, I know I would be letting people down if we weren't there and I do it for Jeff.  Jeff and I are grieving so different he likes to keep busy, he is all about Christmas and the shopping.  I can't ruin that for him, but  I am just not in it this year.  Nothing will take this pain away and most importantly nothing will bring Deaken back.  So I just keep going with the flow to make others happy.  I feel guilty for being like this and feel like the Grinch behind this computer, but really nothing will change the fact that a piece of me is missing, I don't want to pretend I am  happy when I am drowning inside.

Deaken would be 9 months today.  I remember the day like it was yesterday, waiting for him to arrive with so much Hope.  I never thought he would be taken away from us, I really thought he was going to make it. Why oh Why did this happen? We may never know, all I know know is I wouldn't be making through without having faith and knowing that God is carrying me through on this journey...That is what I cling to.