Why?

If you are reading this chances are you are a family member or friend who knows or heard about our story. I decided to start a blog to get my feelings out and just to let people know how Jeff and I are coping. I am not good at talking about how I feel but seem to do just fine writing it out.

Deaken has been gone 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days. Everyone tells me "It will get easier" but to be honest it seems to be getting harder. At night sleep doesn't seem to come easy, even though I am so tired. Deaken is on my mind all day, I play everything over in my head like it was all a movie I saw or a book I read.

Shortly after Deaken was gone I really didn't have questions I just felt like this is what god had planned and I have to deal with it and there is a reason for all this pain. Now to be honest I have so much anger, questions and can't think of any reason god would give Deaken a bad heart and take him away. I question the Lord, I question his reasons, why he would give children to parents whom disown them, who beat them, who curse at them, who smoke and or do drugs during their pregnancy and we, who wanted Deaken more then anything, have a loving family waiting for him and family who give generously on all levels to all in need, so why are we the ones in this situation???? Just doesn't make any sense....

Now that the benefit is over things have really slowed down for Jeff and I. We have to get back to reality and maybe that is why I am having a harder time this past week. I fear that people will forget about our little Deaks and just assume we should be alright now. For me I will never be the same. Deaken took a piece of me with him and I am forever changed. Before bed I can't help but cry for Deaken and cry for Jeff and I, but when I am done I don't feel any better I just feel empty...like the day Deaken was removed from me.



"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And
whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."
~Author Unknown