Rough Start To 2012

So far this year has given us many blessings with a healthy baby on the way, our new house coming along and a new job for me! But it sure has been hard to focus on these blessings when we have been hit so hard with the reality of cancer.  In January we got news that my soon to be aunt has an inoperable Brain tumor, Jeff's Grampy stopped treatment for his leukemia and my mom being diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer.  Unfortunately, last week Grampy lost his fight and left us way too soon.  We were really hoping for more time with him and hoped he would be here to meet his second great grandson.  He was an amazing man and I am so fortunate I got to know him.  It gives me comfort to think Deaken now has someone in heaven with him that he spent time with here on earth.

The reality of cancer or any serious illness has really set in, you just don't think it can happen so close to you.  The road for my mom and our family is going to be long.  It breaks my heart that I couldn't be with her today as she started her first round of Chemotherapy.  I have a nasty cold and just can't risk being around her and getting her sick.  She will have chemo once every three weeks for sixteen weeks.  The "cocktail" they are using is strong and she will lose her hair and be very sick, according to the doctors.   I can't even imagine what she is going through, all this is hard for me to swallow.  It is so unfair she is so young and has so much life to live.  We are praying for a miracle and that this isn't a life long battle for her,  It means more to us to have a quality life.

This year feels so much like a repeat of 2010.  I haven't had too much time to think or take in that Deaken would have been 2 years old in the next couple weeks. I am not sure what we will plan for that Saturday, maybe just dinner and send up a balloon. I hate that, that's how we have to spend that day, without him.....I miss him so much.

Little Update

As many of you know, Jeff and I found out about 4 weeks ago that our second little one will be another boy! But, most importantly he looks like a heart healthy, all around perfect little baby.  We are beyond excited and I am even feeling myself feel a sense of calm after having this last ultrasound.

 It is still hard to imagine this is real and we may really be taking this baby home with us. It is hard for me to talk about or even get excited about because I am always waiting for something to go wrong.  At my last appointment I was in disbelief that everything looked good. With Deaken every appointment there was always some kind of bad news delivered of his condition. I don't know what it is like to have a healthy baby, but in a way I feel very blessed to know what it is like to not have a healthy baby.  I have learned so much about life and what not to take for granted having Deaken, this makes having this baby even more special to us.

Thank you to everyone for thinking of and praying for us and our little one!

A Lot Going On.....

First I want to Thank everyone that continues to check in to see if I have blogged and for following me on this rough journey called "Life."
Life has been throwing lots of work related and personal changes at me lately.

  Within the last 3 weeks I have found out the doctor I have worked with for 6 1/2 years is transferring and the rest of my team and I are moving to another clinic (A down grade!).  This all starts November 1ST! I am thankful to still have a job, but just still really confused on the company I work for decisions for all this change. Note: I started this blog before I started my new job and my first week went well, I like my new doctor I am working with! It is just going to take some time to adjust.

Our move went well, now we are all settled in at my sister in laws home.  We plan on being here through the winter while we get plans ready and start building our new house! I am such a homebody, It has been an adjustment not having my own place to call "home", but all is well and am thankful to have such a wonderful sister in law who will put up with us:)

Along with the big move and my work situation, why not add a little something else.....

Most people know by now and I apologize to those I didn't get to tell.  I am beyond excited to take everyone on our next journey! We will be adding a little one to our family in May :)  I know my last blog was really in the air about if we were going to try again and when the right time to was.  We feel so blessed that so far everything looks like it is all coming along the way the doctors expect and for the most part I am feeling fine. I will take all the morning sickness and body aches with a smile ;) Please keep us and our little one in your prayers. We want nothing more than another chance and a healthy baby.  I will keep you all posted!

I'm Still Here....

I'm still here!

 I am finding it harder to write lately. I am feeling a little guilty that my blog isn't very uplifting or positive.  I have sat down many times to write and end with the delete button, I just don't want to bother people with all this.  But you are reading this for a reason, right?

  It has been a year and 5 months since Deaken has been gone, I am in no way "Healed" or "moving on."  Life isn't the same and I struggle everyday to be what people would consider normal.  This weekend Deaken should have been 18 months (1 1/2 years).  My mind totally blocked the date out!  I was feeling extra sensitive and depressed Friday not really knowing why. A good friend let me know she was thinking of me Saturday morning (Thank You Angie) then it hit it was the 17Th, my body knew, but my mind didn't want to remind me.  18 months is hitting me hard and very sharp to my heart. 

I want more than anything to physically be a mom.  Right now in our life may not be the right time to plan something like this, with the move coming up, but when is the right time? Are you ever really ready?  Deaken was not planned and we were by no means ready for a baby, but we got ready and we were going to make it work.  I will leave this thought with...." We will see what happens....."

On another note, last weekend September 10TH was the 2ND Annual Alex CHD walk.  I made the trip with 2 great friends (Amanda & Nellie). We made it a mini girls trip and I had a very nice time catching up.

Thank you girls for taking time out of your busy lives for me, the heart families and most of all Deaks! It means more than I can tell you :)


Angel Mommies
David's mommy Jolene
Hazel's mommy Angela
Deaken's mommy Me



Baby Steps....

This morning I am taking some time for myself.  Jeff is golfing and I got a chance to sleep in as late as I wanted without any interruptions!

  Life has been crazy with many things on my mind.  The big move is nearing as we prepare to pack up our life here and build a new place to make memories.  I am having so many mixed feelings, one day I can't wait to get out of here and another I am feeling scared and sad to leave.  We never brought Deaken home, but we imagined having him here and feel him here.  When it comes time to pack up the rest of his room (crib) I think it is best that I'm not here, kind of a out of sight out of mind.

Other than having much anxiety of the upcoming move I have been getting by.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Deaken and feel the heaviness in my throat and on my heart, but my mind just hasn't let me go there. Maybe a good thing, maybe a bad thing.....

  I have been babying myself a bit on the 12TH and 17TH and if it landed on a work day I would take it off. Believe it or not I worked yesterday and plan on working Wednesday.  I woke up with that extra heaviness, but pushed through and made it through the work day.  I know this may sound silly, but I am taking the baby steps I need to take.

Feeling Robbed....

I know I have been absent.  The last 3 weeks have been harder then usual and more of a challenge to get through each day for me.  It may have all  started after receiving Deaken's autopsy report, I have been putting it off and now I know why.  It hurt so much to read.... How could he be so perfect on the outside and be so wrong inside? I feel like a failure.

There are so many things that happen daily that bring back many memories and tears to my eyes.
With the weather getting nice that calls for strollers and babies everywhere! I am so jealous to see moms gathered together, chatting about their children as they play around them.  I want that, I want that with Deaken... I feel so robbed! Everyday is a struggle to be somewhat normal when there is constant reminders of how much I am missing without Deaken here.  Work is not easy, I swear every other patient is either going to be a grandma or pregnant.  I am happy for them and do not judge because I don't know their struggles, but it is very hard for me to, how do I put this? Handle or to just be around the excitement of a baby. 

The other day at Target I heard a familiar voice that caught me off guard, I turned back as if I wasn't in my own body and there she was one of our favorite night nurses that took care of Deaken.  She was talking to her own little boys and I didn't make eye contact.  I really regret not saying anything to her, but feel like in that moment no words would have come just tears.  She would call Deaken her little boyfriend and was happy to have him at night so she could snuggle with him:) He loved to be held close and snuggle, I miss that time with him very much.

I have done a few things that scare me these past three weeks. A First birthday party was not something I could even think of going to, let alone shop in the baby section for a one year old! I did it! my cousin's little girl turned one last week and Jeff and I attended the party.  I knew I would be just fine there, I should try out for an acting role!  Once we got to the car, I fell apart.  Just knowing we didn't get to have a "BIG 1" birthday party for Deaken hurts more than I can explain, Jeff was feeling it too.  Again, I feel so robbed.

Payton & Parker! I Love Their shirts :)

In many ways I feel so robbed, but I also feel very blessed.  Last Saturday we took part in the Heartbeat 5000 5K!  We had a great group of friends and family there to help us keep Deaken's memory alive and raise money for Children's cardiovascular program.  Thank you to all who were there with us and to those who couldn't be, but generous enough to donate.  One of my favorite memories of the morning is my friends little girl saying she's "here for the babies and their broken hearts!" It sure warms my broken heart to know such wonderful people.

J and A

Dealing With Emotions.....

I feel like I have taken 10 steps back in this grief.  I am feeling so lost as to how do I continue on like this?  Without Deaken?  what's next?  I have so many questions I don't know the answers to and worried I will never know. There is nothing specific that triggers these emotions I am going through, it is just all around me, everyday, this is my life...

Many emotions came over me while Jeff and I were away on our honeymoon.  The last time I was in Cayman Deaken was with me, in my belly.  I remember how much more active he was when we were there, as if he knew we were in paradise!  I recall my dad saying "It is going to be so neat to see baby D here playing in the sand by the ocean." It hurts so much to know his grandparents had those hopes and dreams for him too....

 While on our honeymoon why wouldn't there be kids/babies everywhere???  I try so hard not to stare and lose myself but it consumes me, all I can think of is that should be Deaken or Deaken would be about that age.  I just don't know how to get around it.

Although I was dealing with a lot of emotion, depression and grief, Jeff and I did have a very nice time.  We didn't do much, just spent quality time together.  On the 17Th we went on a sunset sail which was a perfect night and made me feel very close to my husband and our baby boy in heaven.  There is nothing more relaxing than the sunset and the ocean;)